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Your journey of self love, discovery, and empowerment doesn't have to end once you've finished reading Weigh the Wind. I strive to encourage, inspire, and connect with my readers by continuing this blog.

Please Read On and enjoy.

"One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness- simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self denial to a point, love of work, and, above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain."

George Sand
( Aurore Dupin 1804-1876, French novelist)

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Women’s History Month highlights the contributions of women to events in history and society. International Women’s Day on March 8th (started in 1911) recognizes the crucial importance of women in the well-being of our communities and contributions to economic growth and standard of living. It’s a day for reminder to eliminate discrimination against women so they can reach their potential and have equal human rights all across this planet.

It was 1972 and I was 17 when Helen Reddy’s song “I Am Woman” was playing on the radio. To this day I remember phrases from that song – “I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore; I am strong; I am invincible; I am woman. I had begun to experience a huge clash between what I was being taught and how I was being treated at home versus what was happening in my time in society – Women’s Liberation.

My generational background was patriarchal and patrilineal – only men had rights and women were second class citizens. The societal system was controlled by men who had political and social power. Property and Title was inherited by a male son. Females fall victim to this archaic way and I did. I was not equal to males and I was to be subservient. Women’s roles in the 1950’s and 1960’s were believed to be in the kitchen, barefoot, and pregnant at a male’s command and under dominance of a father or husband. Oh, how this bothered me! Here I was cooking, cleaning the house, clearing my father’s and brother’s plates off the table, washing their dishes and clothes, looking after my younger siblings, and still having to milk cows, pasture cows, feed chickens, clean manure, help with seeding and harvest of crops and so much more. I had to also do so called “men’s work” yet the males never lifted a finger to do “house work.” Where was the fairness in that? I began to realize that I was so capable if not more as a female.

The history on this planet for women had always been living in the shadow of men. We have not been allowed to be record keepers – denied education of reading or writing; denied voting or roles in politics; denied jobs outside the home. The archaic belief had been that a woman’s place was only in the home until WWI and WWII which forced societal change – women were allowed into the workforce because of scarcity of men to do the factory jobs etc.

Would you believe that in the 6th Century a learned council in south France was even debating whether females had souls? Women were also seen as evil temptresses because of hype for the Adam and Eve story by church officials.

Today, our lives as women have only improved because of female forward thinkers, riskers, and darers. Probably the most advancement for female rights has happened in my lifetime. Women’s Liberation of the 1960’s wanted to change the patriarchal beliefs of society. They wanted to advance economic, social, political, intellectual, and psychological changes. This was my time! Feminism supports women who want a more public role and also supports women’s rights to choose how they wish to live. Women’s Lib changed how women were perceived primarily in the industrialized Western World as they sought legal Human Rights equality for gender. Sexism was rampant and still is a factor where there is discrimination against females in society – old out dated beliefs die hard. Women’s power was being withheld especially financially and politically.

The first universal equal suffrage was in New Zealand in 1883. Suffragettes fought to deliver equal political rights for women. Australia followed in 1902. Finland was the first European nation to give women the right to vote and stand for election in 1907. Britain gave women over 21 the right to vote in July 3, 1928. In USA women across the whole country could legally vote finally after August 26, 1920. Wyoming had been the first state to pass full voting rights to women in 1869. In Canada, women won the right to vote on November 21, 1918. Manitoba women were the first in Canada to get the right to vote and hold office on January 28, 1916. This was only about one hundred years ago! In Quebec, women did not receive full voting rights until 1940. Make sure you, as a female, exercise your right to vote in every election for women before you fought hard to get you that right.

Before October 18, 1929 Canadian law stated that “qualified persons” referred only to men. Women could not run for office. Five Alberta Women’s Rights Reformers – Emily Murphy, Nellie McClung, Irene Parlby, Louise McKinney, and Henrietta Muir Edwards fought for Canadian women to have full rights to participation in the political system. Known as “The Famous Five” they changed politics forever with their mission to make women “persons” equal to men. They asked the Supreme Court of Canada to answer the question, “Does the word “persons” in the North America Act of 1867 include females?”

“We want women leaders today as never before. Leaders who are not afraid to be called names and who are willing to go out and fight. I think women can save civilization. Women are persons.”

Emily Murphy
1868 – 1933
Rights Activist, first female magistrate in Canada

“I am a believer in women, in their ability to do things and in their influence and power. Women set the standards for the world, and it is for us women in Canada, to set the standards high. Women had first to convince the world that they had souls and then that they had minds and then it came on to this matter of political entity and the end is not yet.”

“We may yet live to see the day when women will be no longer news! And it cannot come too soon. I want to be a peaceful, happy, normal human being, pursuing my unimpeded way through life, never having to stop to explain, defend, or apologize for my sex.”

Nellie McClung
1873 – 1951
Suffragette and Politician

“What after all is the purpose of a woman’s life? The purpose of a woman’s life is just the same as the purpose of a man’s life: that she may make the best possible contribution to the generation in which she is living.”

Louise McKinney
1868 – 1931
First woman sworn in to the Legislative Assembly of Alberta
First woman elected to a legislature in the British Empire

It was October 18, 1929 and Canadian women finally won the battle to have females seen as “persons.” Britain’s Privy Council reversed the Supreme Court of Canada’s decision. Viscount Sanky said,” Not allowing women to take office was a relic of days more barbarous than ours.”

The Olympic Plaza in downtown Calgary honors these five trailblazers with
“The Famous Five” sculpture. It’s an amazing monument to five brave women.
(Photo courtesy of Frances Wright)

It was only the end of the 1970’s that the Matrimonial Property Act was passed in most provincial provinces. Finally, women received legal rights to equally divide property at the time of divorce including land. I remember my father forever saying that if my mother left him she would receive nothing. Nothing! Well that finally legally changed. Yet, when it came time for my mother to recognize her daughters’ rights she chose to leave in her will all property to only my brother - the male heir. I must say how unfair this was. My brother, to this day, remains a sexist, chauvinistic man adhering to patrilineal and patriarchal outdated beliefs generations in the making. I think this was the biggest shock of my life. I really thought he had changed with the times. He hasn’t. Double standard lives in my family sad to say. Since he told me I deserved none of the farm because I moved to Calgary (yet he could move all over Canada and do whatever he wanted in his life since age 22, I could not) I have not spoken to him after the “fuck you” and his telephone hang up four years ago. I know now he will never change.

With the two World Wars and a need for women to join the work force a small shift occurred in society. Slowly women gained access to higher education being accepted as doctors and lawyers. Harvard University Law finally agreed to let women enter their law program August 1, 1950. The university was not enthusiastic and the Admissions Director said,” We didn’t feel we needed women, but could find no reason for excluding them.” Twenty one years ago it was only a female lawyer that could understand my divorce situation entailing spousal abuse, property ownership, and child custody issues.

Yet still, women were expected to work for a lower wage than men doing the same job. They were expected to quit working once pregnant and stay home with the baby. They were expected to maintain the home (domestic responsibilities and child care) alone even if they chose to work outside the home. Slowly, women became less economically dependent on men which gave them more choices.

In the 1960’s NOW formed – National Organization for Women co-started in 1966 by Betty Friedan. Friedan was a feminist crusader who wrote a book titled “The Feminine Mystique in 1963. The book presented the lifting of a lid on the unhappiness and dissatisfaction of American women. Occupation Housewife was not allowing women to be independent, creative, or personally fulfilled. And so Friedan became the architect of the Women’s Liberation Movement and led protests for equality for women. The largest women’s protest in US history was held in New York in August 26, 1970 with sit ins, rallies, and street marches bannered “Women’s Strike for Equality.”

“The feminist revolution had to be fought because women quite simply were stopped at a state of evolution far short of their human capacity.”
“The feminists had destroyed the old image of women, but they could not erase the hostility, the prejudice, the discrimination that still remained.”

Betty Friedan
1921 – 2006
Writer and Activist

As women, we still fight today against all of the above.

It was Gloria Steinem that influenced me as a young girl. She was the American feminist leader and spokeswoman for my generation. Ms. Steinem began as a columnist for New York magazine and then co-founded Ms. magazine. The first issues hit the newsstands in 1972 and spoke directly about real women’s issues including domestic abuse. My parents would never allow me to waste money on buying magazines but my high school library subscribed to many magazines including MAD, Life, Seventeen, Tiger Beat, Vogue, Time, New York, Rolling Stone, and Ms. I would sign out magazines and read the articles in study period or at home for the night. Ms. Steinem shared my love of the superhero Wonder Woman. She had actually featured Wonder Woman in the January – February 1973 issue of Ms. Wonder Woman had also been a TV series starring Lynda Carter (alias Diana Prince) in 1975 – 1979 but it wasn’t until 2017 that she finally got her own big screen movie. My daughter and I went to see Wonder Woman in the theatre.

I remember in 1991 the Anita Hill/Clarence Williams sexual harassment trial broadcast live every day and how it affected me. Gloria Steinem voiced her strong support for Ms. Hill. Of course, Ms. Hill wasn’t believed or it just didn’t matter. Just like Dr. Blasey Ford last year, when she testified that Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her – it didn’t change the outcome. Both became Supreme Court Judges anyway. Recently, Canada’s Attorney General Jody Wilson-Raybould was shuffled out due to pressure by “males” to go easy on SNC-Lavalin Group Inc. against corruption and fraud charges so they could avoid criminal prosecution. She wouldn’t do it – go easy. Again, a woman with integrity.

“A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men.”

“There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.”

Gloria Steinem
1934-
Feminist Crusader and Spokeswoman

The Women’s Movement believed women had the right to define their own individual identity as part of “human” society. They sought eliminating seeing women as objects; giving women say about their bodies; increasing equality in the workplace; changing traditional “family” roles; and raising social consciousness and perception of society toward females. Religion and a male dominated chauvinistic society had suppressed females for too long. Women had to advocate for self-expression and voice. Issues included domestic violence, maternity leave, equal pay, sexual harassment, and sexual violence. Hidden private issues needed to come out. My generation of women sought equalization and choice for women. Even marriage had rarely been based on love and more often was arranged for economic and political strategies through history. Male and female children were sources of domestic labor. Female choice was ignored since the family was precedent. I experienced this in my family. How free could a daughter, an oldest daughter ever be? Tradition lived. Today, every year nearly 12 million girls are married before the age of 18 often without their wishes considered. It often is a means to maintain family social status or to generate income. In South Sudan recently, a child bride was auctioned off on Facebook. Bought by a man three times her age, his bid was a boat, 500 cows, couple of cellphones, and $10,000. Virginity raises her value. The United Nations is calling for an end to the practice in some countries of determining if a female is a virgin through gynecological tests. The World Health Organization, UN Women, and UN Human Rights all say this should not be done as it determines nothing. At least 20 countries still do this horrific test that determines marriage eligibility and access to “virtue” honor or social value of a female.

A new generation, my daughter’s generation has stood up. On October 15, 2017 actress Alyssa Milano tweeted a call for survivors of sexual assault and harassment to post #Me Too on social media to raise awareness. This caused a 30% increase in the number of female survivors seeking help with encounters of sexual violence – many suffering in silence for decades. What Me Too means is support for victims of sexual harassment and awareness to end such female bullying. The hope is to also change societal beliefs about women’s issues. Inappropriate behavior, language, and ill treatment of women would no longer be tolerated. The movement is empowering women to speak up and be their own advocate for change. Men are learning what is inappropriate and offensive to women in the workplace, dating scene, and in all relationships. Increased sensitivity was needed to behaviors in the film industry and all work places. Recently a poll was taken by females 14 -24. 28% of women said #Me Too made them feel hopeful about gender equality in the future.

11% were somewhat hopeful
66% had a friend who had been sexually harassed
33% still felt less equal than male counterparts and felt they had less opportunities
Less than 20% felt completely safe in public places while most felt somewhat safe.
75% had experienced gender-based discrimination.

The first book I ever read about domestic violence was Nova Scotian Jane Hurshman’s “Life With Billy” published in 1986. It told of spousal abuse brutality perpetrated against her by her husband. She was a battered woman who ended up killing her spouse. An initial verdict of not guilty in 1982 was a pivotal decision that helped change Canadian law as it applies to battered women who kill abusive spouses. The “Battered Wife Syndrome” became a real self defense. I wrote in my book about 29 year old Carol Meredith and her murder by her estranged husband after she tried to escape his domestic abuse. I think of her every July, especially, because in 1997 I had escaped my domestic abuser in January and I still lived in fear of retaliation. She didn’t escape with her life but I did. Carol’s murderer was found guilty and was sent to jail.

200,000 Alberta adults report spousal abuse each year.
3-5 children in each Canadian classroom have seen their mother assaulted.
1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence during their lifetime. I am one.
8 in 10 domestic violence victims are women.
9 out of 10 stalkers are men.

There must be zero tolerance for violence against women and police officers and police service personnel are much more aware of domestic abuse situations. (In my case all were excellent)

We are three women:
What you think you are - most important for you are not deserving of abuse ever and you are not a whore, or cunt, or bitch (three most used words by male abusers)

What others think you are - not so much important in the scheme of things
What you really are – a female deserving of peace, happiness, and safety having freedom to be yourself and thrive.

Evan Rachel Wood (actress) shared her experience of abuse as part of a campaign fighting against domestic violence. She tells of how she was weakened by her abuser and supports the #IAmNotOK campaign. So much happens behind closed doors and women become afraid to tell. I know. Sometimes finding your voice is very difficult but today there is way more help available because of social media and visible support campaigns and information.

Returning back to Pioneer Women, I recently watched a documentary titled “We’ll Meet Again.” In the 1970’s a woman could be fired if she became pregnant or she could be refused to be hired if she had preschool children. It still was a man’s world and far from gender equal. Both Zoe Nicholson and Sonia Johnson were feminist activists in the 70’s and 80’s who tried to enact an Equal Rights Amendment regardless of sex. In 1982, 35 of the necessary 38 states approved to ratify. In May 1982 Sonia and Zoe staged a hunger strike in Springfield, Illinois for 37 days trying to get 3 more states to support equality and liberty for women. Women were still not protected under the law. Would you believe that this law was not passed in Illinois until May 30, 2018 when the Equal Rights Amendment finally passed into the US Constitution? This guaranteed equal legal rights for all American citizens regardless of sex in terms of divorce, property, and employment.

Lynn Rippelmeyer was the first woman to fly a Boeing 747 on July 2, 1980 and the first to captain a 747 Jumbo Jet on a transatlantic flight July 18, 1984. Women were told it was a job they couldn’t do. But pioneer women found the courage to stand up for a cause even in the face of blatant sexism. In 1964 the Civil Rights Act made it illegal to discriminate by race or gender yet… If a woman went to college often your only two choices were teacher or nurse. In aviation there was no way men would take orders from a female captain. Emilie Jones was the first female pilot Lynn had ever met and she became her mentor. They made history in 1982 when bad weather allowed the two female pilots to fly without a man- “You have to have a man up there in case anything goes wrong; we don’t want to scare our passengers.” Both had to break through a wall of discrimination and prejudice and became trailblazers, for in 1968 women were not allowed to train as pilots for any airline. Each had to take private lessons to start their journey.

Rosella Bjornson was the first woman in 1973 to work on the flight deck of a Canadian airline jet and the first Canadian woman to become an airline captain in 1990. “Where there’s a will there’s a way and it’s all about setting a goal and working towards it.”

Today there are more than 8000 female airline pilots in the world. Bravo! March 29, 2019 astronauts aboard the International Space Station are scheduled to conduct the first all-female spacewalk. This will make history during Women’s History Month. The two women, Anne McClain and Christine Koch were members of NASA’s 2013 astronaut class- half of the class were women. I just found out this historic event was scrapped due to one space suit being the wrong size!!!!

In May 23, 1974 32 women commenced 6 months of training to become RCMP in Regina, Saskatchewan. It was the first time women were permitted to become officers. A female has to think, “Anything you can do I can do.”

Billie Jean King was a 1960’s and 1970’s tennis player who fought for equality and respect for women in sport. “Each of us is an Influencer. You never know how another person is going to touch your life or how you are going to touch theirs. So it’s really important to be alert as you go through life.’ Billie Jean made a difference. She started the Women’s Tennis Association – a path to where women could make a living playing tennis. Her favorite quote was “Go For It.” I remember the tennis game between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs which she won in 1973. It was called “The Battle of the Sexes.” She just wanted it all to be equal opportunity and equal rights. She helped women feel like they could go out and go after what they wanted. Women had not been included on the pro circuit. In 1968 Billie Jean won Wimbledon and was paid 750 pounds while the men’s winner pocketed 2000 pounds. Her activism led the way for female athletes being able to make a living in sports on par with male athletes.

I just read in the newspaper that Canada’s top curlers have pay discrepancy based on gender. At the National Championships –Brier and Scotties, the top men’s team got $70,000 and the top women’s team got $32,000. The reason Curling Canada says is different sponsorship and ticket sales. It seems like a huge difference. In other events like the Canada Cup and Grand Slam the split is equal. Talks have been started after some female curlers spoke up. Good for them.

This is a powerful video and female voices need to be heard and understood. Change is needed in perception of women and our rights need to be equal to men in all regards.

Ann Curry is a reporter and journalist for over 25 years and a veteran of NBC News. In the 1980’s women were discouraged from becoming a reporter. A newsman told her, “You know Anne, you’re making a big mistake if you decide to take this job as a reporter because women have no news judgement and you can’t carry the camera. I highly recommend you don’t take the job.” Anne said that that statement clinched it for her. She took the job and worked really hard not just for herself but for the women coming up behind her. Again a female encountered prejudice and discrimination in the work place and blazed a trail for all female journalists by using her determination, knowledge, and work ethic to prove woman’s equality.

Amazingly, it was broadcast that women in Canadian tech jobs with a B.A. or higher earn nearly $20,000 less a year than a man in the same position as of 2016. Tech workers are people either producing or making extensive use of technology regardless of industry – digital work of hardware, software development or technical skills in engineering and science. The barriers need to be lifted from family and cultural stereotypes of females entering science, technology, engineering, and math careers and there should be equality in pay.

Music has been a big influence in my life and so many strong female singers emerged in the 1980’s, my favorite music decade. The Go Go’s wrote their own songs and played their own instruments. Women were no longer just backup singers or standing in a sexy outfit for a male band. The Go Go’s (Vacation, Our Lips Are Sealed, We Got The Beat) were the first all-female rock band to have a No. 1 Billboard Chart album. The music industry could be chauvinistic and the attitude towards them was “They’re okay for girls. They play okay for girls.” Susanna Hoffs, of the Bangles (Walk Like an Egyptian, Manic Monday) another all-female band said,” We didn’t understand why our gender mattered or why it defined us.” Pat Benatar (Heartbreaker, Love Is a Battlefield) said,” It appears to me that the woman on stage is what I would picture the modern woman to be; someone who is aggressive and soft at the same time; has lots of strength and conviction and can look good yet at the same time still has brains.” These were the women whose 45’s and LP’s and later CD’s I bought and listened to. Women like Madonna, Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics, Joan Jett, Cyndi Lauper, Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders, Grace Slick of Starship, and Anne and Nancy Wilson of Heart. Powerful vocals and lyrics that influenced me. It was in the 90’s that Lilith Fair began with all female artists in Rock and Roll performing. “Women mattered, our brains, our bodies, our creativities, our ambitions mattered. It validated a lot,” said Jessica Hopper, music critic. On International Women’s Day Annie Lennox launched a video in support of global feminism and the continuation to push for the advancement of women’s rights around the world.

She said, “Though there’s been major progress for women’s rights, much more needs to be done. We can be generous and inclusive, and we can use global feminism as a term like an umbrella where people stand collective, shoulder to shoulder, and they identify these facts and say this is not right. Men and women can say this is not right. If we don’t have dialogue with boys and men we cannot change attitudes and behavior.” In 2008 she launched The Circle, an organization that focuses on gaining equality for women.

On July 6, 2016 television commentator, Gretchen Carlson, filed a sexual harassment suit against Fox News CEO Roger Ailes. It was like going up against Goliath. Twenty other women came forward. Gretchen received a public apology and $20 million. Roger Ailes resigned his position. Women emailed her from every class, race, and occupation. It showed an epidemic of unprofessionalism in the work place by men. In the documentary “Breaking The Silence” 80% of women report being sexually harassed in their life time. Women are standing up and saying it happened to me. The documentary highlighted women working for McDonald’s franchises in the US. Women reported breasts, butts, and privates being grabbed and groped, lewd jokes being made, being propositioned, being blocked in restrooms where male coworkers exposed themselves, texting of rude comments and nude pictures, and bullying. Usually nothing was done when reported to supervisors. Often retaliation happened to the complainee with reduced work hours or even firing. The documentary highlighted a fire department where women firefighters were subjected to raunchy sexist postings, brush ups, lewd comments etc. One female firefighter committed suicide due to the harassments by males. “The Good Old Boys Club” and its sexual discrimination and bullying lived. It’s hard to change the culture that breeds it. Men need to be trained on what sexual harassment is but shouldn’t they know that what they are doing is wrong? Men in power have got away with it forever – unwanted sexual behavior. Women have felt hopeless in telling, saying, “Who would believe me?” #TimesUp has created a legal defense fund for resources to women who are brave enough to face and accuse “Goliath.” It’s important to know and feel like you are not alone and social media has empowered women to speak in unison. There is so much pain when you are not believed. By speaking up we take back our power and together we break the silence.

48 Hours “Live To Tell” highlighted Human Trafficking of underage girls in the US but this happens in Canada and everywhere also. Unhappiness in troubled homes leads teenagers to run away. These vulnerable girls are befriended by sinister males and made to feel loved and accepted, given clothes and makeup, fed, told kind caring flattering words, and then it all changes. They become an income flow – a commodity. All tactics are used to instill fear and control – beatings, rape, threats, and drugs to keep them fightless. Ashton Kutcher (actor) in 2009 created an organization called Thorn and then Spotlight in 2013 which developed software for law enforcement to help identify and find exploited minors. In April of 2018 the FBI shut down backpage.com where postings of girls for sex were placed. There’s still a long way to go in fighting trafficking. New England Patriots billionaire owner Robert Craft has been charged with soliciting prostitution in a Florida massage parlor staffed by victims of sex trafficking. The FBI continues to operate stings across the US.

Injustices to women continue everywhere. I remember in 2000, the story of Jassi Sidhu from Maple Ridge, British Columbia. I identified with her story, and her life ended at the hands of her mother and uncle. I was able to escape with my life – she didn’t. Recently, the Fifth Estate updated her story that they had reported on throughout the last 19 years. Back in 2000, 25 year old Jassi defied her wealthy family and married a poor rickshaw driver in India instead of the rich older Canadian they had chosen for her – an arranged marriage. Jassi chose love. On her honeymoon in India, June 8, 2000 she and her husband were attacked by men with swords and she had her throat slit. Jassi died but her husband survived. Jassi had great fear of her family ( I can identify) and she had begged for her life but on the phone her mother said, “Kill her.” My mother was the same cold hearted bitch as Jassi’s mother. Her family had sent $50,000 to have her killed and later no one claimed her body. Jassi had wanted to lead her own life and her traditional restrictive upbringing collided with her new ideas in a modern Canada as mine had. Later Mithu, her surviving husband was falsely accused of raping a woman who had been paid to lie. He went to jail for 4 and a half years. Money talks and police and judges can be bribed. Finally, eleven suspects of Jassi’s murder were accused. The orchestrator in India (a relative of Jassi) was charged, got life, and then got out on bail. He actually was sponsored and came to Canada to where Jassi’s mother and uncle lived. In 2015 he was declared not guilty. Now, just recently after 19 years, Jassi’s mother and uncle have been extradited to India to stand trial for her murder. So, if the relative in India was found not guilty is there any hope that the mother and uncle would be found guilty? I’m not holding my breath. They’ll probably get away with murder and be back in Canada. My next book to read will be “Justice For Jassi” by Dawson Fabian. Such a tragic story that has greatly affected me – a story of stupid traditions brought to Canada and upheld and honored instead of love for a daughter. Sick! I can so identify!

On June 30, 2009 four females died submerged under water in a car in Kingston, Ontario. Of Afghan ancestry, Zainab 19, Sahar 17, Geeti 13, and the 50 year old first wife were all dead. Again, it was murder under the guise of honor killing. The father, Mohammad Shafia, the mother (second wife), and the son killed the four by pretending to plan a trip to Niagara Falls in two cars and then ramming one of the cars with the other into the canal. The father had already threatened the oldest daughter with death because she was caught having a boyfriend and she was placed on father imposed house arrest. Zainab had wanted to live her own life and had fled for a time to a woman’s shelter. Honor Killing restores tarnished family honor and cleanses the family name of shame – stupid belief; as if murder doesn’t tarnish? Murder is better than shame just like my parents believed. Wire taps showed the father justifying because all the daughters refused to abide by his rules. He called them all whores (like my parents did) and said, “May the devil shit on their graves.” In January 2012, all three were found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to life with no chance of parole for 25 years. None have Canadian citizenship (immigrated here to Montreal in 2007) and if they ever get out they will be deported. Some justice! These are the barbaric beliefs still adhered to and brought to Canada just like my backward parents. Femicide is the killing of a woman or girl by a man on account of her gender. Every 2.5 days a woman or girl is killed in Canada. In the last decade there were 13 honor killings in Canada. I was also almost in that statistic.

The documentary, A Girl in the River, was about a Pakistani girl named Saba who was slapped, beaten, shot in the face, put in a sack, and thrown into a river and left for dead. She didn’t die! This was almost an honor killing carried out by her father and uncle. Saba had been ordered to marry her uncle’s brother- in-law but she secretly married someone who she loved. When her family found out they swore on the Quran that they wouldn’t harm her and that she would have a proper wedding. But… as they drove her from her husband’s family the car stopped along the river… Saba regained consciousness and made it to a gas station and received police protection at the hospital. Honor and family respect weighed justification for taking a daughter’s life. Saba’s male relatives thought the family she married into were lower class. My parents saw my city boyfriend as a gigolo and felt he had nothing and was nothing and said, “What are you doing with him.” Saba’s father and uncle were put in jail. She was pressured from all sides to forgive them since they both had families to support and if she publicly forgave them they would go free. The message was that this crime is no big deal. Societal and financial pressures caused her to give the “forgive” statement and the men were released. It strengthened the male superiority belief and how tough it is to get justice for a female. It makes me wonder what would have happened had I pressed charges against my parents for assault. Would I have received justice? Saba didn’t in Pakistan. Or, what would have happened if I had not escaped when I did that night? People die from beatings and broken ribs. In rural Pakistan a Council of Elders (all men) believe that no respect is shown to the family if a daughter defies any male orders and so she can be killed. Nuts! Saba’s mother-in-law sees her as a daughter just like my in-laws did and she was disowned by her family as was I.

Asia Bibi was accused of insulting the Prophet Muhammad and the Quran. Being a Christian in Pakistan made her a lower class citizen barely tolerated. She had been sentenced to death by hanging and spent nearly ten years in jail on death row. There were violent protests when she was recently acquitted by a higher court. You will not believe what her crime really was! It was June 14, 2009, a hot day in Katanwala village where Asia was toiling in the field as a farm worker. She was the only Christian woman among Moslem women. Thirsty after working under the hot sun she took a drink of water from a community ladle and the Moslem women became outraged. The water was now contaminated for Christians are considered unclean. In Pakistan areas Christians are lower caste and treated as “untouchables.” Can you believe this? Asia was dragged away and had to confess to an Islamic cleric that she had blasphemed against Prophet Muhammad. Later, she was arrested at her house and sentenced to death by hanging. This is nuts! Women turn against another woman all in the name of “God” and religion. Amazing what women do to women never mind what men do. In 2019, human beings face prison, punishment, and even death because of their beliefs or lifestyle. This makes me think of European, British, US, or Canadian history that I studied as a student and taught as a teacher. How atrocious and bloody history on this planet was and still is. We have learned nothing for everything repeats somewhere on this planet. Jews, Catholics, Protestants, Lutherans, Moslems all intolerant of each other. Is that what religion teaches? The Supreme Court declared Asia innocent in late 2018 and she received protective custody and went into hiding. Two government officials were shot and killed for supporting her and her lawyer received death threats and had to flee Pakistan. All the judges that acquitted her received death threats. Asia’s daughters were granted asylum in Canada during the ordeal due to threats and secretly, Asia will join them in Canada. She left Pakistan in November 2018 and hopefully she is now here. The laws in Pakistan are unjust to minorities so this was a milestone case.

HBO aired a documentary on Boko Haram. Boko Haram is an Islamic Terrorist group at war with the Nigerian government since 2009. Over 28,000 people have died and 3 million have been displaced. On April 14, 2014, 276 girls were abducted from a boarding school in Chibok, Nigeria. All were teenagers. 57 girls escaped soon after and the rest were taken to a camp in the forest. It took 3 years for a deal to be struck and 103 girls were finally released. They were put into government safe houses in the capital city. Though ordered by the government not to tell their story to journalists some gave them their diaries. The girls had been marched for 3 days in rain with no food and snakes and scorpions threatening. They were given chores to look after the terrorists at all times. The terrorists wished to create an Islamic state and kidnapped 100’s of girls from villages while killing the men and boys. The girls were often gang raped after witnessing family members killed. There are reports that some were so brutally raped that they died. The girls were beat with cane sticks if they tried to escape. The government had dropped bombs on terrorist locales and many kidnapped girls were also killed. If they refused to marry a terrorist they were forced and then raped and became pregnant. Many got HIV from their captors. Up to today 113 girls from Chibok are unaccounted for. As of 2018, there are still tens of thousands held. Last month Boko Haram killed over 60 people in Rann, Nigeria burning the houses and chasing people on motorcycles and shooting them dead. No safety in this country for females especially.

In London, a Ugandan mother became the first person to be prosecuted for female genital mutilation in Britain when she harmed her 3 year old daughter. The daughter had been cut in the private area. She now lives with another family. The mother was sentenced March 9th to 13 years in prison – the maximum was 14 years. The police investigated when the girl’s parents rushed her to hospital with severe bleeding saying she hurt herself somehow. The doctors found cuts to her genitalia. Female genital mutilation has been a crime in Britain since 1985. The World Health Organization estimates that more than 200 million girls and women have been affected in 30 countries including Africa, the Middle East, and Asia. This is a sickening depraved form of female child abuse. An estimated 137,000 women and girls in England and Wales have undergone this sick practice that are from Somalia, Sierra Leone, Sudan, Nigeria, Uganda, Egypt, or Eritrea. The cutting off of the clitoris and labia is done to reduce a woman’s libido and therefore is believed to help her resist extramarital sex. Well, how stupid is this? I can’t even image the pain! Again, the underlying reason is to control female sexuality and it is justified by cultural and religious beliefs. Unbelievable! The judge who sentenced this mother said, “It’s a barbaric practice and a serious crime. It’s an offence which targets women, particularly inflicted when they are young and vulnerable.”

In 2018 Nadia Murad, a 25 year old Iraqi woman received the Nobel Peace Prize along with Dr. Denis Mukwege. Nadia became a global advocate for victims after being kidnapped, raped, and tortured by Islamic State Terrorists. I read her book “The Last Girl” this January and I highly recommend it. In 2014, ISIL over ran her village, set it on fire, killed the men, and abducted young girls, women, and boys. Over 3000 Yazidi females were bought and sold – men wanted virgins younger the better and pretty (13 or younger). Female rape has been used as a weapon and spoils of war throughout this planet’s history. Will this ever change? Nadia has been named a Good Will Ambassador for the United Nations on the issue of survivors of human trafficking.

“I want to be the last girl in the world with a story like mine.”
“If we don’t speak up today, tomorrow it will continue.”
“We need justice. Justice for women. We want people to accept women’s messages, so women wouldn’t be afraid to talk about what they went through.”

Denis Mukwege is a Congolese surgeon who has treated countless rape victims in the Congo and is trying to end the use of sexual violence as a weapon of war. He said, “Dear survivors around the world, I want to tell you that through this prize the world is listening to you and refuses indifference. We hope that the world will no longer delay taking action in your favor with force and determination, because the survival of humanity depends on you. It’s you women who carry humanity.”

In the Congo, more than 40 girls were abducted recently from Kavumu village in Eastern Congo raped, mutilated, and dumped in fields barely alive. The youngest was 8 months. Finally, eleven militia men were arrested and sentenced to life in prison – a landmark case for prosecutors of sex crimes. Education in tools and training for police and doctors had DNA evidence preserved so prosecution could happen. Education is key!

Malala Yousafzai received the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 17. As a 15 year old teenager she was shot by the Taliban on a school bus October 9, 2012. She and other female students were riding home from class in Swat, Pakistan. Two other girls were also shot as they sat beside her. All three families had to leave the country for Wales and England due to fear. In Pakistan it is challenging just to be in school if you are female. Malala vows to fight with education against ignorance and terrorism. Her fund helps build schools and promotes education in Kenya, Nigeria, Jordan, and Pakistan. Barbaric beliefs need to be eradicated with education. Malala had visited the girls abducted by Boko Haram. Only 4% of girls in Northern Nigeria finish school. She advocated for Syrian refugees to receive education who had fled to Jordan. Yet, children have to work instead to support families since many men had been killed. In this part of the world, like the Taliban, many “men” believe girls should not go to school.

Malala’s father is an advocate of education and spoke out against the Taliban and their beliefs. That day the men specifically asked, “Who is Malala “and targeted her. One of the bullets entered her left eye socket but they did not silence her. Pakistani belief is why should girls go to school if they are to only cook, clean, and tend to their husbands and children. Malala’s father believed there was nothing more important than knowledge and lack of education was the root of Pakistan’s problems. Schooling should be available for all. Presently, I am reading Malala’s book titled “I Am Malala.” Again, I read about a belief where having a girl is not a time of celebration like it would had a boy been born (my father would not get me from the hospital upon my birth). The girl is hidden away and her role is to prepare food, enter an arranged marriage, and bear lots of children. Malala’s father broke tradition and loved his daughter. Education for women is believed by many men to give her too much knowledge and could “unsex” her causing her to forget her traditional role of wife and mother and cause social chaos. I think it’s a way of squashing our will and keeping us in our place as second class citizens. I think men fear what women could do with education. Globally, more than 130 million girls are not in school.

“We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back,” says Malala.

Plan International Canada is a group focused on advancing girls’ rights and equality around the world and advocates for children’s’ rights. “Because I Am A Girl” project helps girls champion change in their communities by giving them access to their right for education, healthcare, and clean water. The organization is active in 70 countries.

Maria Montessori, in 1907, established preschools for female workers children in Rome with a child -centered educational theory. She trained teachers in Europe, North America, and India and her model continues today. Preschool allowed more women to work outside the home. Juliette Low, in 1912, founded the American Girl Guides to provide girls the opportunities to explore nature and to learn self-reliance and resourcefulness.

In Canada, of course it is law that all children attend school. As a teacher I made a conscious effort to encourage all children to pursue liking for all subjects including Math and Science. I made sure I supported strengths and uplifted weaknesses. That was one of the jobs as a teacher. As for myself, my parents did value education. Czechoslovakia, their homeland, had a tradition of academic and scholarly endeavor in Europe and during the 1920’s and 1930’s ranked among the ten most developed countries in the world. Yet, they clung to the old rural country beliefs of penis superiority and traditional female family roles of subservience and catering to male’s commands and demands. Males controlled property rights and daughters were to bow down to a father’s choice of who and when to marry. What I was seeing and hearing outside my restrictive home life was the opposite. I was a female so capable! I could make my own decisions about my life and education would give me independence and freedom to choices. I believed in equality of the sexes and I was not my parents. I didn’t have to continue their mistakes. I was going to do and believe better. I still am amazed at how difficult it is to escape what had been engrained and drilled into my head and soul since my birth. It was the two sided coin – be a subservient female in a traditional role of bowing to male superiority and authority or be a feminist female making my own decisions and income catering to no male chauvinist abusive pig. I ended up forced to experience both but definitely being my own woman super outweighs the other. It is so much easier to escape family abuse and spousal abuse here in Canada but even I almost didn’t twice.

Rahaf Mohammed al-Qunun is an 18 year old Saudi woman who fled her family over alleged abuse and restriction. She was able to escape to Bangkok in January and had to barricade herself in a hotel room while seeking asylum. She used social media to send out pleas on January 6th. The United Nations Refugee Agency stepped in. Rahaf was almost deported by the Thai authorities but her Twitter campaign helped her blight become known. She wished to settle in Australia but the process was to take too long. Her second choice was Canada who stepped in immediately and granted her asylum and a home on January 11th. Her brother and father were already on the way to Bangkok to force her back to Saudi Arabia after her passport was ceased. Rahaf flew to Toronto as a refugee and our Prime Minister said:

"That is something that we are pleased to do because Canada is a country that understands how important it is to stand up for human rights around the world.” Rahaf had renounced her religion and cut her hair – both no-no’s. This was punishable by death in Saudi Arabia. She refused to wear the hijab. The organization Human Rights Watch praised Canada for acting so swiftly to provide sanctuary. COSTI Immigration Services will help her get settled in temporary housing, get a health card, and get clothes and a new phone. She has to be careful because she has received death threats.

“I am one of the lucky ones. I found a safe country to live in.”
“I want to make my own decisions on education, a career, or who and when I shall marry. I had no say in any of this.”
“Today, and for years to come, I will work in support of freedom for women around the world. The same freedom I experienced on the first day I arrived in Canada.”

Rahaf’s family has disowned her publicly so she dropped the al-Qunun surname.

Salwa is a 24 year old Saudi Arabian woman who claimed asylum in Canada with her 19 year old sister and lives in Montreal. She had been planning for six years her escape. Women are continually told that men are superior and make all the decisions ( I know what that feels like). She says she chose Canada because it is a country that has a very good reputation for Human Rights.

“It’s good for me here. It’s better here. I can leave my apartment when I want. I don’t need consent.”

The Passionate Eye broadcast an episode about Saudi Arabia’s male guardianship system where a man controls a woman’s life from birth until her death. Every Saudi woman must have a male guardian normally a father or husband but even a brother or son who has the power to make critical decisions on her behalf – applying for a passport, traveling, studying, getting married, getting a job, leaving the house. She has no say on any of these issues. Women are treated like minors all their life – perpetual minors. Dina Ali Lasloom was 24 when she escaped to the Philippines in 2017 but her passport was taken. Her uncles rapidly flew to the Philippines and dragged her to a flight boarding area for Saudi Arabia. Her mouth was duct taped as were her arms and legs taped to a wheel chair. She was never heard from again.

Saudi Arabian women activists have been jailed – tortured with electric shock, water boarded, whipped, threatened with rape, and hung from the ceiling as reported by their relatives. They had been campaigning for the right to own a driver’s license and to drive. Propaganda has been put out to the rest of the world that this right is now available to females. Saudi Arabia continues to enforce male guardianship outside their borders as they force escaping women back to their country. Eighty Saudi women recently sought asylum in Australia but pressure has Australian officials turning many of them back. In Hong Kong, two sister’s passports were taken and visa’s cancelled so the girls had to go into hiding. Their lives are in limbo and who knows what will happen. The sister of Raif Badawi, a Saudi blogger with a wife in Quebec was arrested. Raif was sentenced to 10 years in prison and 1000 lashes by a whip for writing deemed offensive posts about Saudi Arabia. When Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland commented on Twitter that Canada stood with the Badawi family the Crown Prince expelled the Canadian Ambassador, withdrew his envoy, sold Canadian investments, and recalled all Saudi students from Canada. How about that!

A 33 year old princess from Dubai named Latifa is the daughter of the ruler. In February of 2018 she wanted to leave Dubai but was captured and has not been seen since. As a female, her life was disposable she said. Her father is one of the richest and most powerful rulers on this planet with 30 children. She, as one of his three daughters, cannot drive or travel to study. Her life is restricted and controlled. Latifa’s sister ran away in 2000 to Surrey, Britain but she was found after 2 months and drugged and placed on a private jet back to Dubai. She was placed in a building like a prison for 8 years. She is like a zombie, drugged, and watched by nurses today. The United Arab Emirates promotes itself as an equal society but it is like Saudi Arabia – by law women are ruled by males who can beat their wife or children and punish them any way they please. In 2002, as a 16 year old Latifa tried to escape but was caught at the border, put in prison, tortured and beaten to where she could not walk. She was held in solitary confinement in a room with no windows, pitch dark, and only a thin mattress. She had been confined for 3 years and 4 months and then released. In this restrictive society one can go to prison for kissing in public. October 2011 she started to plan again to escape. Her father had put heavy security on her so it would be even more difficult. Latifa made a video a week before her second attempt February 19, 2018 and asked that it be released should she fail. She told how she had no voice and no power over her life. With the aid of a friend they planned a usual day and then they drove to the coast of Oman. Here they boarded a dinghy that took them 26 miles to a USA flagged yacht which would sail to Goa, India. Here she hoped to catch a flight to Florida and claim asylum.

Dubai has surveillance cameras everywhere and journalists coming in at the airports are scrutinized and many banned from entry. Mobile phones are tracked always. What the world learns is controlled. So, day eight, almost to Goa, the yacht was boarded by armed men and Latifa was taken as she was shouting that she would rather be killed than go back. She has not been heard from since. The rest were taken at gunpoint to a detention facility and released after two weeks of beatings and interrogation. Latifa’s video was released. News reports claimed the princess had been kidnapped and it was a rescue mission to save her. And so another woman did not escape oppression and never reached freedom.

(Image Source :- The Independent)

Did you know there is actually a World Hijab Day held February 1st and has been held since 2013? The hijab is a regressive and patriarchal garment. Observing this day is to normalize this wear among Moslem females and to accept that it is a symbol of Islam – it isn’t. Only 30% of Muslim women worldwide wear the hijab.

I watched a Fifth Estate episode dealing with backlash against women and the celebration of violence against women. There is a dark web culture that collectively encourages men to go on killing sprees like the ones who plow down mainly women with vans. These killers become the heroes and are worshipped. Bullied and rejected men vent against women in posted videos. They get radicalized to extreme violence against females and are praised and cheered on by all other men at the site. Praise for mass killers is rampant. I won’t waste my breath naming this sick group.

Fifth Estate broadcasted a story about Muslim women in Canada who have been told by their husbands they are taking a second wife. This becomes soul destroying to the wife. Canadian law makes polygamy illegal but some Imams (mosque clerics) sanction this practice. Though Islam states treat wives with dignity, respect, and equality these conditions are not abided by in an inherently unjust disrespectful male dominated religion. Men interpret the Quran how they want just like men interpret the Bible how they want. In 2011, the British Columbia Supreme Court ruled that polygamy is unconstitutional and decided that the damage it does to women and children overrides maintaining religious and cultural freedoms. There is a Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS) group in Bountiful, BC that has been in the news lately where leaders have been convicted of polygamy. One was married to 25 wives.

So let’s look at some views of famous men in history toward women:

The founder of the modern Olympics, Baron Pierre de Coubertin (1863 – 1937) made it clear he thought women were only to encourage excellence in their sons and not compete in any sports. But women first competed at the second Modern Olympics in tennis, croquet, and golf only in Paris in 1900.

Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) the philosopher and scientist said:

“The male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules and the other is ruled.”

“A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave.”

Confucius (551 BC – 479 BC) the Chinese teacher and philosopher said:

“It is the law of nature that women should be held under the dominance of man.”

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 – 1821) French statesman and military leader said:

“Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property.”

Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis said:

“Women oppose change, receive passively, and add nothing of their own. They are inferior, childish and helpless with no possibility of happiness unless they have adjusted to being man’s passive object.” (How wrong was he? Penis envy I think not!)

Martin Luther (1483 – 1546) German professor of Theology said:

“The words and works of God is quite clear, that women are made either to be wives or prostitutes.”

John Wayne (1907 – 1979) actor said:

“They have the right to work wherever they want to –as long as they have dinner ready when you get home.”

In this sea of chauvinism came Jesus (6-4 BC – 30-33 AD) who treated men and women equally believing gender and social position didn’t matter. Women had central roles in his ministry and it was John and many women who were with Jesus during his toughest times. Church officials of that time stressed that females were unclean because of menstruation and childbirth; that they were chattels of men; that they were inferior; and they emphasized that Adam and Eve story that is supposed to portray us as evil temptresses that made Adam sin. We don’t have a female pope yet! We never will.

I had to tolerate male parental and spousal domination for a time. But I was never totally beaten down. Inside me bubbled strength and courage as a female. Family beliefs got so engrained and drilled into my mind and soul and strongly adhered so that they were hard to throw off. I think something happened when I was about eleven years because before that I was a curious, questioning, perky young girl who stood up to bullies and the injustices at school. I wonder if it was that severe severe beating at the end of Grade Six or something else that happened earlier that I still have buried somewhere in my psyche. Maybe I sensed futility and total loss of power in the face of my parent’s domination. Maybe I became passive and obedient to survive with as little damage as possible. I retreated into my shell as Cancer children do in face of danger. Maybe I stored knowledge and education that I would use later to escape both them and my abusive husband. Everything went dormant for a time! Maybe I collected tidbits of female power that I read about in magazines or books, or heard in music, or watched on TV, or just encountered out there. Maybe over time these pieces melded together and became my strength – woman power. Maybe I had to go through what I did to discover balance in me – male/female power. Or maybe I was to break the traditional subservient unequal role all females in my family generations had endured. My time was a good time to rise and stand with other female voices in unison against sexism and prejudice against women.

“Yes, I paid the price but look how much I’ve gained.”

Helen Reddy’s song was an anthem for me and women everywhere. In 1972 she won an Emmy Award and famously said, “I’d like to thank God because she makes everything possible.”

For over half of my life I have been my own woman making my own decisions and living my own life. I’ve lived, I’ve healed, I’ve thrived and kept my career, my home, my independence, my daughter’s love, found my dignity, and maintained my integrity and spirituality. Both my father and my ex-husband said to my face I would never make it without them. I have!

“I am invincible. I can do anything. I am woman.”

(Image: © NASA/JPL-Caltech/McGill )

"One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm. One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in the world."

Hannah Senesh (Szenes)
1921 - 1944
Poet and paratrooper (Heroine of Israel)

Remember as you read this blog that my discoveries, conclusions, thoughts, and beliefs are my truths for me. Yours will most likely be different. Yet Universal Truths like love for "All," living harmlessly and peacefully, being charitible and kind are basic human norms to live by.

"All major traditons carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion, and forgiveness... the important thing is they should be a part of our daily lives."

Dalai Lama
1935-

The most important thing is that you have your own beliefs, that you question, that you seek, and that you find what resonates for you. Believe in something or you'll fall for anything and everything.

"Life is a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, joys, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately lead us to our final destination, our purpose in life. The road will not always be smooth; in fact, throughout our travels, we will encounter many challenges. Some of these challenges will test our courage, strengths, weaknesses, and faith. Along the way, we may stumble upon obstacles that will come between the paths that we are destined to take. In order to follow the right path, we must overcome these obstacles. Sometimes these obstacles are really blessings in disguise, only we don't realize that at the time."

Susan Samaroo
1969-
Non Profit Executive Director

Everything is a lesson. Everyone has their unique journey. Every experience gives you choice and free will. We have come here to explore a range of feelings and to learn to create balance in ourselves on this tough planet. Humans can do harmful and atrocious deeds to each other and to living things often evoking that "it's God's will" to justify their actions. They may have become products of their biological family and their beliefs with inherent genes, body soundness, and brain and character strengths and weaknesses. They have had environmental influences that have been harsh, traumatic, or disfunctional. Sometimes there is so much to overcome to find our true self. Free will and choice can be limited for children but as we become more independent we can choose differently. It is our challenge to "rise above" negative hurting messages, discover our own positive beliefs, and awaken and remember our greater soul self.

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

C.S. Lewis
1898 - 1963
British writer

Our individuality and sense of self comes with our own memories, feelings, knowledge, thoughts, ideas, perspectives, observations, and personality. What an amazing gift to be given - Self. Here we have forgotten our connectedness to "All" by having no memory of before birth. Our filtering brain keeps out any remembering of "before" - our true identity and "Home."

"The purpose of life is to find your way back to a spiritual way of thinking and living - to be able to get past the physical stuff. That's pretty much the whole test. And every soul is given talents and strengths to help them along the way."

Wendy Higgins
American author

And so...
We begin a journey from birth to discover our true nature - that we really are eternal immortal spiritual beings always loved and never alone in human bodies for a time on planet Earth. We are to reawaken our spiritual memory through experiences here on Earth and strengthen and balance qualities that lead back to the Creator.

It does not matter which path you are on ( even a religious one) as long as you are learning and growing to be more loving, kind, giving, and understanding to "All." We are to work on our limitations, motivations, beliefs, and spiritual self and not harm. As human beings there is a longing to know and to wonder why. Take the time to wonder!

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."

Stephen Covey
1932 - 2012
Author

Earth is the emotional planet. Existence here is slow, heavy, dense, and physical where everything takes much time and work to accomplish anything. Such a busy place often gives us little time for reflection or pondering. It's a school with tests and lessons to awaken concern not only for the here and now but for "after." Our parents create the body and give DNA but do not give us our soul or spirit. That is the part of us that has always been. Parents are supposed to be guardians and helpers to aid us in becoming our true selves. Unfortunately, as humans we learn more universal truths through hardship and suffering. This is when we turn inward and seek purpose for our life and its experiences. We seek answers to questions like:

Who am I really?
Why am I here?
Where did I come from?
What is my mission?
Where am I going?
What really matters?

"We can imagine two types of spirituality: one tied to religion, while the other arises spontaneously in the human heart as an expression of love for our neighbors and a desire to do them good."

Dalai Lama
1935 -

I was raised Catholic - a structured religion. During the summer I had to attend Catechism classes as a little girl and, as I wrote in my book, I was already questioning doctrines taught. It all bothered me. Especially, the belief that I was born bad and the church and my parents had full authority to do what was necessary to make me "good." I never felt I was bad. Both the church and my parents controlled me by fear. I was going to Hell if I didn't conform. There would be punishment and retribution for my "sins." Every Sunday in the confessional my sins were absolved by a male priest. What? This didn't sit right with me. Children especially are easily manipulated through fear - "God is watching you." There was to be no questioning and no self thinking but accepting of all I was being fed. It's the mentality that if it's not in the "holy Catholic book" you don't need to know or question. The "Word" is the word. Yet that Word was being interpreted by a man every Sunday in a sermon. The bible had been translated over and over by men and much has been changed and deleted. I subscribe to certain parts but I also question and seek.

I don't believe there is a Satan or a Hell - scare tactics used to frighten us poor souls into submission, mindless following, and giving of our hard earned money. I didn't find any support or fellowship at church but you may. Different paths! I will not be burning in purgatory for all eternity - that precursor to Hell. It bothered me that I couldn't get to the Creator directly but only through church and a male priest. Through the years the church's sex scandals and my own uncomfortable experiences led me totally away. I did not want to be so closed minded that only Catholics go to heaven, that divorce makes me a second class citizen, that using birth control makes me a sinner ready for Hell, that if I don't go to confession my sins pile up and I am lost forever. Chauvinistic attitudes bothered me. As a female I was to serve and cater to men and their will. I grew up in the 60's when Women's Lib was strengthening and my next blog will be about just that. I wanted to walk my own path and though I have stumbled and veered the Creator gave me the best gift - free will and I wanted to think and choose for myself.

I would believe in a Oneness - that I am a part of a master plan that encompasses so much beyond my own private life story. The Creator is a collective and knowing consciousness and a universal power of love that gives life and meaning to everything. The Creator only loves and does not judge or punish. This wise and loving intelligence of energy and light created each of us as sparks of the Divine Essence. We are a part of "All That Is." All is one and one is All. Everything and everyone has an effect on All and All has purpose and meaning. The All includes humans, nature, animals, a whole universe, and a spirit world. There is connectedness and balance needed. It matters how we each treat everything and everyone within "All That Is."

Each of us has been sent out by the Creator to learn and experience through our individualization and our personalization - our uniqueness. We are to achieve meaningful development and advancement while being peaceful and loving to "All."

I have wanted to find my own inner truths and so I became a seeker and explorer of most beliefs on this planet. I used my own perception and perspective to move from outdated religious and parental cultural belief systems to a universal spiritual thinking. I would adopt "Oneness" - a need to promote goodness, equality, love, kindness, and compassion to "All." Never mind focusing on rituals, rules, and damnation. My Creator is kind and All loving and I am spiritual but not religious.

As I wrote in my book, I have been fortunate to experience amazing happenings throughout my life that prove to me that there is more...

I believe I have Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels who assist me in my earthly journey. They have protected me from the worst happening to me all my life. I could not have done it on my own. They gave me insight, assurance, intuition, warning, signs, and signals when I was most of need. Though, sometimes I felt alone I really wasn't. There was guidance in dreams, visitations, life's coincidences, and in people who crossed my path. Sometimes it was as simple as a book sticking out of a stack in Chapters that I really needed to read to help heal and feel better. Sometimes it was how smoothly it all went in three months ( like a sea parting ) for my move to Calgary. Or my Calgary house not selling in a hot market, otherwise I would have had nothing to build upon. They were miracles. So many... Our rational brain tells us that there is nothing "spiritual" in any of this - I beg to differ.

Sometimes we meet someone and we feel drawn to them. They feel like a "soulmate." As human beings we search for love and attention - a need. People we meet come into our lives for a purpose. Often, that purpose is a karmic connection. Karma means balance. You and that person have something to balance either together or separately. You help them, they help you or you help each other. Thing is there is no guarantee any balance will ever occur. It is an opportunity. The person has come into your life to help you face aspects of your personality that need balance and you may not yet understand why or what. Often it is way later that you see purpose. We learn through hardship but be conscious of prolonged abuse to yourself from others. Love youself enough to get out when it is most safe for you.

I had much work to do to balance my personality traits and emotions. There were primary themes or situations that kept reoccuring throughout my life that I had to experience to creat permanent change and learning. My two main themes were rejection and responsibility. I have been abandoned, let go, deserted, alienated, disowned, abused, and divorced. The challenge was to find my strength, conquer fear, move out and on, and in time forgive. I was so responsible that I would take on everyone else's challenges and tests and assume blame and guilt. This is the "Too" Syndrome. I had to learn and discover what was only on me and not be co-dependent.

From my biological family I balanced: religious versus spiritual, male versus female, control versus independence, fear versus courage, rejection versus self love, material wealth versus soul wealth, and so much more. In my two marriages I balanced: dysfunctional versus functional, work versus play, power versus powerlessness, submission versus voice, giving versus taking, false self versus true self, and so much more.

My main relationships were karmic connections because over time the flame died and I wondered what I could have seen in those people to hitch my star to their wagon. Something had needed healing, changing, or strengthening and in my woundings and negative experiences came knowledge, insight, truth, wisdom, and balance. These people were in my life for a definite purpose as were all people I have met either for a short time or a long time. I had choice and free will to grow spiritually. I guess I hoped that maybe I too had somehow helped each of them to gain balance also. I don't know if I did.

I never met a "soulmate" or "twin soul" romantically. I hope you do. I have met members of my soul group - souls who I felt an immediate kinship with ( a knowing ). I suspect though, that in this life, I am to learn to rely on myself and believe I am good.

Reincarnation resonates with my soul. I think we journey here many a time to continue learning, to balance aspects of our personality, and to influence and control our human mind more. We attempt to control negative emotions and temptations and try to live with lots of love for "All." We are not to inflict physical or emotional pain or harm others - seek no revenge and carry a good heart forward.

"The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark."

Barbara Hall
1960-
Writer and producer

Maybe we embark here often to seek balance while experiencing many different perspectives or roads. The road may be winding with dark stretches that feel scary, lonely, or desolate and we want to stop and get off. Here is when we need faith that we are not alone and it all matters. The following passage has always made me feel better in those times:

Footprints In The Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.


Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.


After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

Margaret Fishback Powers
1943-
Author

With free will and choice I can redo lessons and tests and try to do better. Sometime it felt that all of it was too much to handle - too many hard tests. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. "Signs" would come and I was reminded that I was not alone. I was more than a human being struggling to survive - I was an immortal being of light energy only here for a short time handling tests and improving myself. A difficult life meant I had greater opportunity for spiritual growth causing a turning inward to my "self."

Meanwhile, the internet has been the birth of mass consciouness where we turn to the world and are able to gain information as it happens. We are able to concern ourselves with others lives and causes. There is positivity to united voices of peace, light, and harmony promoting goodwill to all. Remember to find your own truths and be conscious of where you unite your voice and to whom.

Hopefully, our journey here changes us for the better as we become more positive thinking, compassionate, loving, inspiring, accepting, and balanced.

"We suspect that the measure of a good life is how we are treated at the end. What matters is how well we have loved, how well we are loved, and how much love we have given."

Wendy Lustbader
1954-
Author and speaker

Can you say to yourself every day, "I did good." If not, can you say, "I did better."

I worry that I did not do enough with my life and that I should have done better. Early in my journey I was exposed to the idea of treating everyone with kindness for they may be an "angel" unaware. This struck a chord with me that Earth and the Spirit World are more connected than we think. There is so much we don't know about the bigger picture. Did I really prechoose many of the difficult circumstances I have lived through to see how I'd do? I have been motivated early on to not come back to this emotionally trying planet.

"All I have seen teaches me
to trust the Creator for
all I have not seen."

Ralph Waldo Emerson
1803 - 1882
Poet and essayist

So, what lessons do you think you need to work on? What situations have you faced that may have balanced your tendencies or patterns? Here are a few of mine:

Lesson- What is love?

Most love I experienced was conditional on what I could do for others like my parents, siblings, boyfriends, and husbands. Love was associated with obedience, fear, and abuse. That is not love.

It was the animals in my life who taught me what love is. I have been lucky to have throughout my life the companionship of animals. It was they who gave me unconditional love, comfort, joy, devotion, and care. It was a precious gift that I truly treasure and am extremely thankful for. I have written extensively of my appreciation for their sustaining me when I needed my heart lightened, my day brightened, myself accepted. I believe animals have souls and our love and care helps them develop their personality and their uniqueness. My love radiates to all my special animal friends and their love radiates back to me forever. I will be with each of them again. Heart to heart as my Grandmother showed me.

I had to learn in this life, to not listen to others beliefs about myself and realize I am a divine being always loved and loving. Somehow, the love and niceness of my soul didn't translate here on Earth. Being too nice, too giving, too believing, too loving, and too caring meant I was taken advantage of. There were abusers,users, toxic people here working or not working on their own lessons that crossed my path. My challenge was to love myself enough to say "No more." It was their choice to hurt me but I didn't hurt back. Hopefully, any karma there was has been balanced and ties are broken. How this lesson continued through my whole life is astounding. I would learn about what love is not continually. Love is not abusive, critical, demanding, or painful. I should not have to suffer at the hands of others to get love. I was told over and over that I was bad, unworthy, not good enough, or unlovable. Today, I have rejected their voices and I realize I am a good, kind, and loving soul. That must be the lesson - that in the face of all that negative I learned to love myself. To forgive these people was my challenge. Boy, it was difficult though. Compassion and forgiveness came after much effort to see that they are also learning souls on a path. I shored up my weaknesses - shyness, meekness, blind obedience, my value insecurities, and my voice. I discovered my strengths - intelligence, resourcefulness, resiliency, independence, and bravery. In it all I discovered my true self and walked an evolutionary path to spirituality. Love is a universal truth. Loving myself was a most important belief.

Lesson - Power

I realized that I had never learned how to use my voice or my power. Instead I was being dominated, controlled, and manipulated by others. I was not true to myself. This bothered me more and more. Staying in abusive situations was not good for my soul and wellbeing. I needed to extricate myself and save me. Learning to say no and feeling my anger helped me to balance certain personality traits. I rewrote childhood and religious beliefs and realized I was stronger than I thought. I used my power for positive - saving myself. The Creator would want me to be loved here and not be abused. This lesson need not be repeated.

Lesson - Why do I always feel different, disconnected, and alone?

I never had a supportive family or spouse. It was always about their needs and their wants. So, maybe I needed to experience a building up of myself - self reliance. I used my intelligent mind to find independence and success after being torn down so many times. Turning inward I found my uniqueness yet my connectedness to "All." I am different yet I am same. Here lies the balance.

Lesson - Gender Equality

I was controlled as a girl and as a woman; treated like property and as a servant. The world I was born into was a time of women's rights and equality being voiced in a male dominated planet. I felt it, I saw it, I embraced it in my heart. I needed to activate it. It was difficult to fight against a father, brother, husband who saw me as merely a female with no rights except to submit to their will. Literally, I had to fight to survive. Maybe, in other times, I was not able to escape such a male dominated society to safety. In this society I could and I did. I learned to balance my male/female characteristics and did best while relying on myself. I became mother and father to my daughter and I had a career which gave me financial freedom. Maybe I was to do just this small part to help women's rights on this planet. I hope so.

Lesson - Forgiveness

This lesson starts with being traumatized and hurt by someone and something. In order for me to have spiritual growth and karma release I had to travel from victim to survivor and then warrior. I had to develop compassion and then forgiveness for everyone that had abused and hurt me - mother, father, brother, sister, first husband, second husband, boyfriend, friend. To achieve this letting go of pain and wounding by others was the toughest process I have gone through. I always believed that there was more than this here life. My hero has always been Jesus. What an example of forgiveness he is! So, I sought to forgive especially my mother. After so many years I have recently forgiven genuinely which made me feel freer, lighter, and more at peace in my heart. I have let go the notion of them all needing to say sorry or somehow making it right. It's okay, I forgive you all and release you all from any and all of it. I can go my way after strengthening my voice, my character, my love, and my spirituality. I feel more balanced having lived this life.

"Your life will always be the perfect classroom journey for you and every experience that shows up in your journey is here to serve you. There is meaning and purpose behind everything that happens. There are no accidents which means your suffering through difficulties is never for nothing. Your life matters and everything you experience matters. Your trials are there to help you become a better person and trusting this truth will take some of the sting out of them. Suffering becomes more bearable if it at least counts for something."

Kimberly Giles
Speaker, author, coach

So, what would I want to take from this life?
That I :

1) courageously overcame fear many a time to gain independence and self-reliance
2) halted damaging generational cycles and beliefs and found my own truths aligned with the Universe and the Creator.
3) loved "All" and sought no revenge or did not hurt.
4) was a good Mom.
5) inspired and was kind to all my students.
6) was resourceful and relied on myself to escape abuse.
7) found a stronger voice and a stronger femininity.
8) made peace with my past and found compassion and forgiveness.
9) grew in awareness of my spiritual self, my value, my self love, and the love of "All."

What would your list be?
I hope in a small way that I have made this planet a little better because I passed through it.
I hope so!

So what next? What do I think?
When we die I think it will be a transition from one consciousness to another. Our Earth consciousness joins with our Higher Self. Personality is the learning and growing part of us that reunites with our Higher Self - whole soul. As human beings, physical death is so frightening for we are leaving all we know and love to go where we have no real memory of. Everything and everyone has their time of leaving - it is inevitable. The average human life expectancy is 78 years. So the question is did I add positively to my life and to the life of others? I hope so, because I really tried to.

Spirituality entails being more concerned about soul growth than material and physical things. Yet, those are also important for survival here on Earth but not more so. So many wonderful things are here to see and experience but our spiritual self should not be forgotten. After all we are all here on a mission to improve and create balance.

So, what do I think about "after?"
My total soul will be intact with my personality, memories, thoughts, and ideas. Within seconds I shall pass through a portal or tunnel with a bright light at the end of it. I now will remember all I had forgotten. My Spirit Guides will accompany me as I transcend. I shall feel unconditional love and see everyone I love and who loves me - my pets, my Grandmothers, my Soul Group. Maybe I have a twin soul that I shall see. Next a Council of Elders and Masters will review my past life with me. This will be like a movie where I will feel my emotions and the emotions of those I interacted with on Earth. Judging myself, I will see if I was successful in my mission to do good by "All." Maybe I fell short in my lessons. Maybe I didn't balance enough in my personality.

I hope there is a Utopian version of Earth where there is only peace, joy, love, and trust. Maybe, I shall get to choose who is included in my spiritual life, where I live, and what I do. Maybe there are different levels of advancement based on our different positive energies and vibrations. Maybe our mission was to raise that vibration by being loving, non-violent, non-prejudiced, generous of spirit, compassionate, and forgiving. Maybe with a higher vibration comes more choices.

There are so many different beliefs on what "Heaven" will be like. Maybe with our thought we create our own version of heaven. I don't know. I just hope I am reunited with everyone and everything I love. That would be heaven!

And so...
Remember how unique and special you really are. Remember to do good. Be good. And maybe if you take care of that the rest will be taken care of for you.

"If you chase anything in life chase the things that get you excited about living. Chase the things that give you hope, happiness, and a glimpse of a better life. Chase the things that make you want to be a better person. Chase the things that inspire you to think, create, and live joyfully. Chase the things that reinforce in your soul that you can make a difference. Chase the things that make you want to transform your heart from selfish to selfless. When you chase that kind of storm you are chasing rainbows."

Shannon L. Alder
Inspirational author

"Your true homeland is the universe. Your true goal is to be yourself. Your true love is the love of life. Your true power is your power to help. Your true happiness is to enjoy what you do. Your true work is to create beauty. Your true magic is to develop your attention. Your true social action is to liberate consciences. Your true discipline is to tame your ego. Your true truth "The others are also me."

Alejandro Jodorowsky
1929 -
Chilean-French poet and filmmaker

We are all "One."

"Triggers are like little psychic explosions that crash
through avoidance and bring the dissociated avoided
trauma suddenly, unexpectedly, back into consciousness."

Carolyn Spring
U.K. Author

Triggers, triggers, everywhere! A sound, a smell, a taste, a word, a visual image, an item, a place, a person - all can cause a sudden startling memory from your past to flash across your mind and evoke a strong reaction or emotion. Something from the past has been dredged up and your mind replays an old scene that has stayed buried because that experience had been too painfully overwhelming to you then. A strong reaction in your present life means you have to examine your past for now your conscious thinks you are strong enought to handle it. Your subconscious had blocked these memories that were deemed unbearable. These events and and feelings were disturbingly and shockingly negative to your psyche. Unresolved business rears up through triggers and flashbacks shining a light on an area needing restructuring and healing for a more illuminated mind and more peaceful soul.

"Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you."

John Irving
1942 -
A Prayer for Owen Meany 1989

" A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them."

Carl Gustav Jung
1875 - 1961

Stop and ask yourself : Why am I having such a strong intense reaction? Is there a deep hurt or trauma in my past? Why are my feelings way out of proportion - extreme even to the events today?

" The inability to get something out of your head is a signal that shouts "Don't forget to deal with this." As long as you experience fear or pain with a memory, or flashback there is a lie attached that needs to be confronted. In each healing step there is a truth to be gathered and a lie to discard."

Christine Enevoldson
1984 -
Abuse Survivor

The Adult you needs to acknowledge and name your feelings and put blame in its proper place to alleviate it all. You need to revisit, recognize, renovate, restore, rewrite, repair, release, and renew yesterday which has become your underground life. You have bigger arsenals and coping mechanisms today to return to the underground and dig up the reasons for your strong feelings today.

Nothing as a child warranted physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, shaming, guilting, criticizing, or the pain of unlove. Ever! Life's tests were unjust and life had not been fun. You survived and coped because of : your strength of character, your resilience, your persistence, your logic - life perspective. Take an inventory of your skills and assets then and now. It takes alot to survive constant repeated abuses as a child and as an adult. Repression of memory saved you then but remembering gently and slowly today will benefit your healing heart.

"If you are alone, I'll be your shadow.
If you want to cry, I'll be a shoulder to cry on.
If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.
If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.
If you need a best friend, I'll just be me."


Unknown

Love this! It is what your Adult Self is able to do for that child part of you that was so unjustly hurt. Back then you had to bite your lip and take it as a child or younger you. Not today! Mourn never being able to be a "normal" kid, a teenager, a young person with all the rights that go with. Mourn the bad luck of being born to abusive parents or of meeting "taker" boyfriends, husbands, or friends.

"Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do."

Rachel Wolchen

What others took for granted you didn't get. Have compassion for yourself that you had to deny you to survive. Today you have choices, power, and more capabilities you didn't have then. Your hard work and willingness to face your past means you can better run your "show" today and you can stop the abusive past from being passed to another generation.

Last week I was watching CTV News which told of a man in Ontario who had lost his class ring over 30 years ago. It somehow was found in British Columbia and returned to him. This triggered a memory from when I was seventeen and in high school. How badly I wanted to purchase a school ring from my Springfield Collegiate High School. No way would that happen. "What do you need that for?" and her voice flashed through my mind. Anger rose in my body and my thoughts. I hadn't fully visited with this yet so I muted the TV and just sat with my thoughts and shed a few tears. After awhile I felt okay and realized where my love for rings came from. I had purchased many rings through my life since then. I could!

Triggers cause painful work but they also create reflection and a knowledge of why. Wisdom comes as does peace with the past. I find today, that I am really tired of toxic people and they are out of my life through death, divorce, or decision. For a long time I had difficulty understanding what co-dependency meant until finally something resonated with me. It means that I always see and put other persons as way more important than myself or my needs. I get it and I am aware of putting myself and my needs at least on par.

After 23 years, I have pretty well handled my unfinished business. The flooodgates opened when I was 40 years of age and living in Vancouver. It was in Steveston Library where I discovered Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents and I read it and then went and bought my own copy which I have reread probably a dozen times. Many self help books later and time, tears, and triggers I am much freer emotionally. Stuff has been unstuffed. I don't know if we ever fully recover from so much trauma but I swore I would heal as much as I could. Triggers have less of an effect on me so I am healing.

Emotions are really like an iceberg with so much below or under our conscious self that needs to be "melted" with tears especially. I wanted specific answers to: "Why did I pick abusers and users?" "Where did I learn to be a doormat and be "TOO" nice?" "What had happened to my boundaries?" "Why did I always feel "less than" and "not good enough" and "different?' Triggers helped me self reflect, analyze, and understand my intense reactions and emotions that inhibited me from being my true self. I can attain a healthier life and change old useless lying beliefs. Tears linked my mind with my heart and saturated intense memories weakened.

The original wound upon being triggered needs you to: name what the wound was, name what was done to you, name and blame who did the wounding, name your feelings, and now face and examine and reexperience the painful memories in order to release some of the hurt slowly over time. Raw pain needs reducing and cycles need breaking so you can lead a happier life. Your goal, if you have been triggered, is to let the memory flit through your mind as you go on doing life in the present, do healing work, and then no longer feel crippled by the memory today. You will need to come to grips with the deep pain as issues get resolved. To face hurtful past memories takes much courage, persistence, and strength.

"You cannot change the past, and you can't always control the present, but you can push the past into its proper perspective and you can face the present realistically."

Hugh P. Fellows

I had built a sturdy dam to hold back the flood of intense emotions lurking underground. They began seeping out telling me that now I was strong enough to begin healing work. The past didn't want to stay in the past but the worst was over since I survived. Triggered pain pulls you back to a time when you could not do anything to stop abuses. You had no power. So you protected yourself as much as you could by: being extremely good and always saying yes, totally obeying and never speaking or questioning, making no demands or ever arguing, being perfect in all you did, learning to be invisible, becoming numb and showing no emotion, and becoming a chameleon and burying your true self. Righteous injustices needed to be championed by your adult self.

"One often calms one's grief by recounting it."

Pierre Corneille
1606 - 1684
French Dramatist

By being triggered you will figure out what was learned that does not benefit you today so you can change. You can create your own new beliefs. You can learn new skills to protect yourself today. You can explore what you really do stand for. Each time the past gets visited you will feel a little better in the present. So many of us survivors have atrocities, inhumane actions, horrors, cruelties, betrayals, abuses, and severe injustices to cope with. Honor all you have been through. Grieve at you own pace and ignore the "Get Over It" people. Be loyal to yourself so no one ever hurts you so deeply again. Be more mindful of others who reenact your parents abuse. Give yourself the gift of divorce from injurers, takers, and users who have no compassion. Take care of yourself today because no one else ever has. You call the shots in your life today so be proud of yourself for withstanding such an onslaught of wounding.

You were hurt but you don't hurt others and especially not yourself. You were treated badly but you treat others and yourself kindly. You've been deceived but you are honest and have integrity. You've been rejected but you love all good that has been created.

It has been difficult to forgive myself for repeating the abuse I suffered as a child. For 5 years I again was a silent voice accepting servitude and all types of abuse as a wife. The "You Should Have Known" voices in my head kept beating me up. Unfortunately, I hadn't yet done any excavating in my 30's. Recently, while on the internet, a popup advertised a free credit check which I had never done. To my shock, there were items on my credit account that were not mine but my ex using old bank accounts and my good credit rating to bolster his activities. This triggered red rage in me as I recalled never having any say in any financial business during the marriage. I decided to check my house deed that needed updating now that the house was paid off. I discovered that there were liens on my house from my exe's lawyers and business associates from over 20 years ago. I had to hire a lawyer to clear everything costing a pretty penny. Again, I had to rely on myself to settle everything and a wiser me has learned never to have any joint accounts. My emotions were intense and I let my rage dissapate by action and journal writing.

A lot of us, in our present lives, keep from feeling our intense emotions raised by triggers by acting "Out." We drink, do drugs, fight, become promiscuous, excessively shop, become workaholics or busyholics, and we soothe emotions with Earth's pleasures and distractions. I was watching a special documentary on John Kennedy Junior titled "The Last Days of JFK Jr." He was known as a man in motion - always cycling, running, kayaking, playing football etc. When asked why he said, "I do that because if I ever stopped and thought about all the things that have happened to me, I would just sit down and fall apart." John was a busyholic so as not to face tragedies and pain in his life. It was how he coped with it all. I did the same thing for most of my life. I had pushed down and avoided any trigger memories for 40 years of my life. Today, triggers happen at any time at any moment. In December, I was watching a sappy Christmas movie where a husband gets his wife a cup of coffee. It triggered a memory of when my abusive husband, the one and only time, brought me a cup of coffee loaded with Tabasco Sauce. He stood there watching me with an evil smirk and then a sadistic laugh as I took a swig and quickly spit the coffee out. Waves of angry emotions washed through me in the present as I remembered my powerlessness then. I could say or do nothing but pour the coffee down the sink. I looked around my safe house that he said I would never be able to keep and I smiled. I have survived and thrived despite him. Maybe next time this scene plays somewhere I will have no reaction. That is the goal! I related in my book another incident concerning the lint trap in the dryer. Everytime I wash clothes this memory gets triggered but today, though I recall it, there no longer is an emotional reaction. Healing has happened.

Recently, my neighbors moved and seeing all their boxes stacked ready to go triggered a strong emotional reaction. I felt deep anger as I flashed to the morning my ex husband was telling me he was moving out and we were getting a divorce. My girlfriends took me out for the afternoon and most of the night. I returned to boxes packed and ready to go. He already had a place to go to and I realized how long the jerk had been planning. The cad had been committing adultery for over seven months with a female best friend. Emotions of anger, hurt, shame, and gullibility came up. So, I just sat with it and let the pain wash through. Over time my logical mind said, "It was for the best" but him saying he should have never married me and that we should have just been friends is what really hurt. All could have been handled more kindly. It says way more about his lack of integrity and character than my naivete. I started over after being erased and moved to Calgary which I love. Next trigger about this issue I will have even less of a reaction.

Not long ago my supposed good friends' only son was getting married. They were here in August to visit after a kayak trip. The son was emailing his parents informing them that he was working on the invitations. The son, I had known since birth and he had stayed quite a few times at my place when they had all gone skiing to the mountains. Well, August passed, September passed, October passed. My daughter asked if I had booked my flight for the wedding and when was it. I told her that I had no idea when the exact date was because I had not received an invite. She was surprised as was my other friends. Come December the parents are here on the way to ski. They hand me a few pictures and give the lame excuse that only family was invited. I think, how sad that not one friend of the groom's parents was invited. I bite my tongue and say nothing yet inside I feel something, but I was not sure what. The mother spends 6 days at my place in March telling me how I am her best friend many times. Yeah, a best friend who was not good enough to garner a wedding invitation. Some things she said led me to believe that yes, friends were invited. It is always amazing to me how delayed my real feelings can still be. It is still a difficulty that affects my life today. For half my life I could not show emotion or acknowledge feelings. They were numbed, suppressed,and shut down. This still happens to me. It is only after some time that my true feelings start seeping out. Those six days caused my feelings to start coming out - anger, hurt, not feeling worthy or good enough, being judged, sad, even feeling being used. I realize that I was really really hurt and I was really really angry. I guess I will have to sit with this. Some feelings were from the past but most were from the now. Anger and rage were always the hardest to get to but I know today that they tell you that you are being treated unjustly and boundaries are being violated.

In 2011, I discovered rage. I never felt like I could have that feeling. I was caught off guard at its intensity. The trigger was a week with my mother. I recounted that week in my book. As long as I had rageful feelings I also carried bitterness, resentment, rejection, abandonment, shame, fear, and deep sadness. Here is where I needed intense work. The last seven years since then I have greatly worked on this issue. Through reading many self help books on abusive mothers and allowing triggers to let me feel I think I have healed. Oh, how tough it was to forgive my mother. I never thought I would ever get there. I took the advice of experts in the field of abuse and began seeing and putting myself in her shoes; her life. I couldn't have done that before because first I had to relive my own life and dissipate the feelings there. Just this month I have genuinely been able to feel compassion for my mother and I can say I have forgiven her in my heart. It is amazing how "unburdened" I feel. I truly can say I wish her well in her rest of her life over "there" journey.

I have one area of triggers that I still am not ready to handle. Recently, and I am not even sure what triggered the flashback, I suddenly recalled an image of my father violently and angerly twisting our dairy cows tails. I had totally fogotten these incidents but they did happen. I could hear their bawling and I am tearing up as I type this. "No, no, no," I tell myself. "Don't go there." I am not strong enough yet to handle recalling all the animal abuses I have witnessed. Today, these triggers are the most intense and I know will need to be discharged. But not yet. I avoid newspaper articles, news items, any talk about animal abuse. Not yet!

"You cannot make yourself have a flashback, nor will you have one unless you are emotionally ready to remember something. Once remembered, the memory can help you to face more of the truth. You can then express your pent-up feelings about the memory and continue on your path to recovery. Think of the flashback as a clue to the next piece of work. No matter how painful, try to view it as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember."

Beverly Engel
1947 -
One of my favorite authors for help

Remember that triggers also evoke positive and happy memories. That's okay and good. For me, Fahrenheit cologne or George Harrison's "When My Guitar Gently Weeps" trigger memories of my friend Royale and I feel sad but also happy to have had him pass in my life. My two skating angels ornament in my hutch trigger my recall of bravery against a bully. A Crossword puzzle clue, "item in a den" with the answer "sofa" triggered recall of my father-in-law and his den. Here I felt safe, relaxed, happy, and loved many a time. I can feel sad that it was long ago but also happy to have had him in my life for awhile. I read in the paper that Stan Mikita passed away at 78. He had led the Chicago Blackhawks to a 1961 Stanley Cup win. I smiled, as it triggered a memory back to when I was 6 years old and Douglas McCoy had given me a big poster of Mikita and I had been allowed to hang it up above my bed. Maybe this is where my love for sports began! All great memories!

Our goal is to leave trauma recall in the past so it doesn't affect your life today. It's not a repeat but just a memory. It becomes your rear view mirror life as you pass it all and look forward to a better life ahead.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies,
But in battalions."

William Shakespeare
1564 - 1616
Hamlet

My life, probably like your life has been loaded with "worsts" - parental and spousal abuses, betrayals, cheating, robbery, car accidents, attempted honor killing, disownment, adultery, arsons, lies, injustices, health issues, misogyny, and animal abuses. I wasn't in charge for most of my life and probably, neither have you. You may be now as I am.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely
players; They have their exits and their entrances; and
one man in his time plays many parts."

William Shakespeare
1564 - 1616
As You Like It

Life has been a stage. The main players in my life have been enemies and antagonists but supporting players entered to prop me up on that stage. Who stayed on stage with me my whole life have been my animals - my pets like Hero and Candy. My supporters have been my teachers, my neighbors, my real estate agent, my bank, my true friends, my coworkers, my daughter, and those wonderful unconditionally loving pets. Maybe through it all, I became a seeker and questioner and not a follower. Today, I tell myself, "I got you." When a trigger happens I say, "You're not living that horrible part of your life over again in real time. You're a really good human being and soul and it wasn't your fault. You are good enough. You are good." Those injurers all denied hurting me and just moved on. My quest has led to purpose for my suffering and meaning for my soul.

My next month's blog will be about Healing Help - Spirituality which is probably the most important and biggest search of all.

And so...

"If I am not for myself
Who is for me; And being for my own self
What am I ? If not now, when?

Hillel "The Elder"
110 BC - 10 AD

I am for myself today though I hadn't been before. I know today I am a good person though I hadn't thought that before. I have faith and belief in my worthiness, goodness, and lovability. The time is now to believe it.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great,
and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."

Orison Marden (author)
1848-1924

As a new year approaches, I hope it will be better than the one ending. From losing my best friend to having medical issues including a cancer scare, it has been a tough year. This past Fall it felt like a dark cloud hung over me and refused to move. It seemed that anything that could go wrong did, but yet again I survived it all.

"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways -
either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength."

Dalai Lama
1935 -

I've always had to hope in better days. I needed that hope to cope with tragedies, abuses, lies, and injustices in my life. "Resilience in the muck," I would say to myself. I had to believe it would get better and I counted my blessings that it really could have been worse. It's the glass half full idea. In the throes of hardship, I took stock of what sustained me - spirituality, hope for better, love from animals and my daughter, safe house and country...

On this planet there is always suffering, problems, toils, heartache, and pain. Little stays the same for long. How we respond to all of this is what matters. We have hope that there is meaning and purpose to all we go through - the hope that if we do our very best a better life exists. We can control almost nothing and no one but ourselves and our action or reaction to events in our lives. Sometimes it is our attitude to life that is most needed for change to happen.

Don't beat yourself up for decisions you feel were wrong. I know I still do though. I am my hardest critic and gosh it is difficult to forgive myself for "bad decisions." The "if onlys" creep in. Experts do say that no decisions are bad if you learn from them and stop repeating - become conscious of how you were harmed and mistreated and say "no more.' Forgiveness waits in the wings of life's stage for you first. Be brave to take a risk instead of staying put in the muck and the mire. Find a "better way" day. Have hope you will push through it all. Look in the mirror and say, "I can do it."

Dum spiro spero ( Latin for while I breathe, I hope)

Hope is a way of thinking and not an emotion. As so little stays the same, so do things end. Light shines again just as we trust the sun will come up and night will turn into day. Christmas season is seen as a birth, a renewal, a hope for more than just this life. A special Child was born to give hope to Earth and its people. You don't have to do perfect or be perfect. You can start over and over and over again and try better each time. We have been given free will and endless chances. I have felt like I have lived so many lives in this one life because of having to start over so many times. Sometimes I did better and sometimes I didn't. I hoped and tried again, pushed forward, didn't give up, got up again, rose above, and let the past pass.

There are times when all of us feel beat down and depressed as problems come fast and furious - death of loved ones, health issues, money woes, accidents, unforeseen expenses... We question "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness,
of captivity, would without this comfort, be insupportable."

Samuel Johnson (writer)
1709-1784

We have to believe that there is purpose to our tribulations, troubles, traumas, and trials. Emotions need to be expressed constructively and safely - grief, rage, anger, shame, lovelessness etc. Better things can arise from something ending. After my unexpected heart wrenching abandonment by my adulterous husband after one year of marriage, I risked and moved to a safer city, met kinder people, and became more spiritual. A door opened and I walked through. It mattered what I told myself and not what others told me. I did for me and step by step established a new life for myself.

Neil Diamond did a 2012 performance at the Los Angeles Greek Theatre and introduced his song "America" with a tribute to his grandmother who emigrated to USA from Russia in the early 1900's. Imagine the hope immigrants from around the world would have had as they left homelands to start a new life across the "pond." Today, immigration is a huge issue in the news as people flee poverty, political torture, and war atrocities. I only moved two provinces over leaving a life behind to start over. I had no language barrier and I already had a condo to move in to with my possessions. I remember my hope that I could start again and there is no comparison to my both sets of grandparents hopes as they came to Canada in the late 1930's. The song "America" always makes me teary eyed and hopeful for better times to come.

"Our hopes for the future give us momentum. They keep us moving forward
through the inevitable hard times, the discouragement, and the despair."

Nick Vujicic (motivational speaker)
1982-

I had made a list of my assets and I had hope that I could start over. I set a list of my goals and chopped away at them in a steady pace. Number one was getting employment. Remember, it's okay sometimes to say "Why me?" Self-pity is okay for a time and I sure did feel it. I lamented that I was alone again- no family, no one to love me, and just the injustice of it all ( adultery for over half a year). Within three months of his physically moving out I was in a new city. I had moved on by pushing down and burying all the strong pain and hurt. I went into "Do" mode not "Feel" mode. Those feelings would be excavated and examined way later when I had time. I felt so sorry for myself but I had to numb it all and go on with survival- my survival. I wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me self-destruct. No way!

Our world has become super instant and super fast with technology and somehow we expect things to be solved quickly. Getting better and coping emotionally is a long hard road always under construction before you see even small results. We tend to "stuff" painful feelings but they do seep out somewhere and somehow. I entombed my rage and pain by keeping busy and working perfect for most of my life. Unfortunately, burying caused repetition of abuse in my second marriage- I had done no conscious work yet on myself and fell back into the same type of abuse as my childhood had been. Structured religion disowned a divorced woman. No support there! Spiritualism gave me hope and I started not feeling alone on my journey. It wasn't out there in some church building but in my heart and my soul. My belief in the Creator strengthened along with the idea that there is a bigger plan and I was a part of it. No one was exactly like me and therefore, I was special. Though, no one on this planet had ever seen me as special, I knew I was and that I was a spark of the divine who cared and loved me. Every occurrence in my life made me Me. I liked me. Remember to love yourself; be self-kind and gentle especially if you have had little support from others. Be resilient and rebound from rejection, abuse, criticism, and injustices. Vow to start over by finding inner courage and inner strength. It's there in all of us.

Who were "they" to beat you down or beat you up? Nobody! It says way more about "them" than you. You did all that you could do and it all was beyond you and not because of you. Move away, move on, move forward, move up physically, mentally, emotionally. Be not a victim but a victor. Opportunity will knock. A new chance will come. Things will ease. Have faith and hope. Prepare and be ready. Your attitude can be everything.

"Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough.
We must do."

Goethe (writer)
1749-1832

Do for yourself first. You are probably a "giver" like I am. If only "they" had also been givers. Unfortunately, so many people are "takers" and only give to manipulate you into giving more. Remember that you are not stupid, hopeless, ugly, useless, unlovable, greedy, a bitch, too structured, or whatever else you've been told. Look in the mirror. A good soul looks back. That's you. Now, give to yourself for a change. Only your opinion of you matters. In the scheme of things. "they" are all flawed- even severely flawed humans. So what "they" think should carry minuscule weight with you. We had hoped "they" would change their treatment and opinion of us. Chances are it's not going to happen. I had hoped my mother would change her opinion of me till her last day here on earth. She never did. I realize now that there is such a thing as being TOO nice. I never said "No." My kind heart got taken for granted, stomped on, and abused. I never got angry or voiced my displeasure and so I got walked on. I hurt myself so much. Today a wiser me realizes that angry feelings mean injustices are happening and I need to take care of me. I am starting to say no kindly.

Sometimes hope does need to die. If you are in an abusive situation the hope you feel needs to change to "No More." Remove yourself safely and rebuild. There is help out there. Statistically, New Year"s Day is when the highest incidents of domestic violence occur. No one deserves abuse ever. Your hope of "them" changing is slim to none even with professional help. Instead, hope for freedom from the abusive situation and value yourself enough to use your strengths to get out. Remember, only the strong spirit is given such tough situations. Learn from your difficult journey and collect wisdom. Pain piles will melt with sunnier days!

"Everyone needs a little help, a little hope, and somebody who
believes in them."

Magic Johnson
1959-

"Learn from yesterday, live for today,
hope for tomorrow. The important thing is
not to stop questioning."

Albert Einstein
1879-1955

Hurt no one from this day onwards and especially not yourself. Join internet self-help groups for support. You are not alone. To know we are not alone in our sorrow and grief is paramount.

"A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step."

Confucius (Chinese philosopher)
551 BC - 479 BC

I have done a lot right just like you have. I still have areas to go to to heal more. There's no being done even though sometimes I thought I was done. I hope to be going home karma kinder. I have tried to hurt no one even though "they" have hurt me greatly. Maybe I was supposed to give "them" the chance to be kinder, gentler, or more giving towards me. Their choice! I am hoping not to pass this way again.

2018 continued to be a year where I dug up more pain and rage and I sat with all the healing tears as they washed over and through me. I am hoping to keep reducing the intensity of my emotions from my past, yet, Christmas being family time, causes many triggers. It probably always will but all is more manageable today. Those people that hurt me have or did have issues that are theirs alone. They have or did have their path and I have mine. I know I will truly forgive "them" when I can genuinely wish each of them well. First, I need to wish myself well before that time comes.

My greatest hope was that each person that had abused and hurt me would show some remorse, apologize, and say "I'm sorry." How I hoped! I never received even one apology. Not from my critical parents, or my cheating husband, or my abusive husband, or my user boyfriend, or my greedy brother.

And so...
I had to say sorry to myself. "Sorry, Dianna, that that happened to you." I took my own arms and hugged myself. I cried as I looked at framed pictures of myself as a little girl, married woman, alone lady. I rinsed deep pain and hurt from my heart and soul - oodles of rinses over time as feelings were triggered by life's happenings. I had been scared that the buried pain pile's thawing would create a flood that I would not be able to handle. But I did! In times and safe places I sat and let the pain, hurt, grief, and rage wash through me as each cycle reduced the intensity of the feelings. So many "rinsings" it took before I felt lighter, fresher, cleaner. I sobbed out loud by myself so many times before feelings subsided. The hurt cycle cycled through an unbelievable number of times these last eight years since I have retired and had time to do the emotional work- the "laundry." Healing is always a work in progress; always in revision. It's a life long task. I would start a new day proud that the hurt hurt a little less. Triggers will happen, extremely painful memories will arise, and tears will fall - that's life. If we do not find time to feel our intense negative emotions they will seep out into our life. Otherwise, we all have to steel ourselves to stuff those emotions so to go on with daily life's jobs, relationships, parenthood etc. Our pain can leak out and cause self-destructive tendencies and our hurting others in our life. Being human here on this planet is very emotional and difficult. Rely on faith and hope that you can do and be better.

"After all tomorrow is another day."

Margaret Mitchell (closing words of Gone With the Wind)
1909-1949

Until it isn't another day here that is.

Your kind heart's actions you take with you.
Your understanding and knowledge you take with you.
Your love you take with you.
Build goodness with your loving deeds to others, to animals, to nature, to yourself. It can be extra tough when parents do not see you as good or lovable. Have hope that you can get free of the shackles of an abusive, loveless, critical childhood or marriage. Your pain piles can melt with time, tears, tackling, transcending, and talking. Listen to your good heart. Be your own champion! It is all about attitude.
An attitude of gratitude- for your given talents and strengths.
An attitude of action- courage to move on and hope to heal
An attitude of empathy- for yourself be kind and gentle
An attitude of forgiveness- to your human self first then "them"

"Hope is a catalyst.
If you can dream it, you can do it."

Walt Disney
1901-1966

Dream and Do for you!

Happy Holidays and All the Best in 2019.

" When the power of love overcomes the love of power
the world will know peace."
Jimi Hendrix
1942-1970

On November 11th my thoughts go to all the men and women who have served in order to preserve our rights and freedoms. So many years I was in charge of the Remembrance Day ceremony for my different schools I taught in - the decorations, the program, the guest speakers, the plays, the music, the two minutes of silence, and the reciting of In Flanders Fields.

John McCrae was a Canadian medical officer born in Guelph, Ontario serving in France and Belgium during WWI. He had been attending to hundreds of wounded soldiers each day and so many he could not save. After a close friend was killed by the explosion of an enemy shell he sat pensively on the back of an army wagon and wrote "In Flanders Fields" on a scrap of paper - a poem that relays war, loss, love, and renewal. It was 1915.

John McCrae had always written poetry and this poem vividly captured the mood of the time as graves of so many soldiers lay amid the wild poppies in the fields. McCrae went back to work for three more years but in 1918 he became tired and ill and died of pneumonia and meningitis on January 28th. He is buried with full military honors in Wimereux, France. The first World War would end 9½ months later November 11, 1918. The poppy would be adopted as a symbol of remembrance November 11, 1921.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place: and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead: Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved: and now we lie
In Flanders fields!
Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you, from failing hands, we throw
The torch: be yours to hold it high
If ye break faith with us who die,
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

1872- 1918

November 11, 2018 marks the 100th anniversary of Armistice - ending of WWI on the 11th month on the 11th day at the 11th hour. WWI claimed 17 million soldiers and civilians.

According to Ancestry DNA, I am 94% Slovak (no surprise). One million Czechoslovakians were called up to serve; many fighting on the Serbian front in Italy and Russia. Of those serving, 138,000 were killed. One of those soldiers that died was my Grandmother Helena's true love. She would tell me how heartbroken she had been when she received word of his death in battle. The movie, Closing the Ring (2007), starring Shirley Maclaine and Mischa Barton reminds me of my Grandmother. The scenario is similar in that a true love is killed in war and that fate causes a lifetime of unhappiness and bitterness. My Grandmother never, never felt truly happy after and married my Grandfather, not really loving him. She never loved Canada and always pined for her life back in Slovakia. Pretty sad really!

Czechoslovakia was Soviet Union occupied and in 1968 (Prague Spring) Alexander Dubcek led a democratic movement that saw Warsaw Pact troops invading Czechoslovakia to squash any freedom tendencies. My Grandmother followed news from her homeland and worried much at this time for relatives back home. Czechoslovakia remained Communist occupied until 1989.

Jaromir Jagr, a Czech hockey player, wore number 68 on his jersey in honor of Prague Spring and also for his grandfather who died in prison in 1968 for his political views. When Jagr signed with the Calgary Flames for one year last year my daughter knew how much I would value his jersey and so she surprised me last Christmas with it. I do wear that number 68 Jagr jersey with pride for my ancestry.

In 1989 Communist one party rule ended with the Velvet Revolution - a non-violent transition of power to democracy and elections in 1990. On January 1,1993 Slovakia became an independent state after the peaceful dissolution of Czechoslovakia called the Velvet Divorce. My Grandmother did not live to see any of this history as she died in 1979. I remember how proud I felt in 1993 when my ancestral homeland became its own country through peaceful means. Today, Slovakia is democratic, free, and safe. My both sets of grandparents would be proud.

Pretty well every person can trace a relative or has a relative or loved one serving in the military or navy or air force. This planet's history is full of war. The ancestor I think of most every November is my cousin William Warenyi. When I wrote my book, I researched a little about William and his service in WWII. This year I felt the need to research in depth his war experience. Nineteen year old William was actually a member of the famous 334th Infantry Regiment. There are many books written about this regiment and the experiences they had. I found and was able to read them entirely on the web. One book talks about how the American soldier did not care so much about his name being mentioned but wanted his division, his regiment, his infantry, his battalion, his company, his unit mentioned. Credit was to go to the whole unit.

There were 60 million plus people killed in WWII. When I was searching for William I was stunned at the endless rows and rows of Killed in Action Servicemen. So many lives cut short in service to this planet and peace. How thankful it made me feel to live in Canada where peace and freedom reigns because these human beings gave their lives for it.

One book, Fortune Favored The Brave: A history of the 334th infantry, 84th division ( William's division) by Perry S. Wolff is dedicated to the men of 334th Infantry Regiment who died in action during the campaign in Europe during WWII.

William J. Warenyi Private First Class was in the 334th Regiment 84th Infantry Division 2nd Battalion F Company. He had enlisted at 18 in New York only the year before he was sent to Europe. On February 23, 1945 the 84th Infantry Division successfully crossed the Roer River in assault boats from Belgium at the town of Linnich, Germany. It was the beginning of Allied Invasion of Germany. Called Operation Grenade and planned by General Eisenhower this was a great morale booster as the army advanced the front line into Germany. William was one of those men. The 334th Infantry was the lead unit and penetrated four miles to Baal, Germany. They were met with German tanks, artillery, rifles, machine guns, and snipers in each town. The roads were so snipered they had to slug through the woods. The Germans were pushed back as the US army approached the towns of Granterath and Hetzerath on February 25, 1945. Suddenly, six German tanks appeared along with strong fire that hit the advancing soldiers. The 334th Infantry had been fighting for four days straight with only 2-3 hours of sleep each day. February 26th saw much harassment by enemy artillery and mortar fire. It was then, probably in the morning, that William was hit resulting in his death in action. Granterath was captured by the 334th Infantry 84th Division and on the afternoon his 2nd Battalion moved on to capture Matzerath down the road. The US Army was 322 miles from Berlin and Hitler. In 1945, 8,267,958 US Army men were Killed in Action and my cousin William was one of them. Germany would surrender May 8, 1945.

William J. Warenyi, the only son of John Warenyi ( my Grandmother's brother) died during the Allied push into Nazi Germany on February 26, 1945 and received the Purple Heart. He is buried in the Netherlands American Cemetery in Margraten, Netherlands. Since 1945, the Dutch have adopted the grave sites of the 8,301 US soldiers buried there and bring flowers and research the life of the service member as a way to honor their sacrifice. I am proud of my cousin and I remember every November how short and tough his life on this planet was yet his life had much purpose for the Allied Forces won the war, thank goodness.

Those of you who have read my book know that one of my heroes is Audie Murphy who I first saw in movies. Audie Murphy received every US military combat award for valor available from the US Army for his heroic service in WWII. He received the Medal of Honor ( the highest award) because at the age of 19 he single handedly held off a company of German soldiers in France and led a successful counter attack.

It was 1971, and I remember hearing on the radio that Audie Murphy had died in a plane crash at the age of 46. I was shocked and I cried. I had, in my young girl mind, thought I would somehow meet him. On my bucket list is to visit his grave site in Arlington National Cemetery. His is the second most visited grave there behind John F. Kennedy's. Audie had insisted that his gravestone be the same as all the other soldiers resting there when he passed. His wish was honored.

"I'll tell you what bravery really is. Bravery is just determination to do a job that you know- has to be done.'

"Loyalty to your comrades, when you come right down to it, has more to do with bravery in battle than even patriotism does. You may want to be brave, but your spirit can desert you when things really get rough. Only you find you can't let your comrades down and in the pinch, they can't let you down either."
Audie Murphy
1925-1971

"Could it be ... that the hero is one who is willing to set out, take the first step, shoulder something? Perhaps the hero is one who puts his foot upon a path not knowing what he may expect from life but in some way feeling in his bones that life expects something of him."

P. L. Travers
1899-1996
writer

"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace."

Amelia Earhart
1898-1937

My father-in-law was in the RCAF (Royal Canadian Air Force) post WWII for 27 years. He was an Air Force fighter and transport pilot and did 3 tours of duty in Europe. The RCAF defends and protects Canada and North American airspace in partnership with the U.S.A. and contributes to international peace and security. My father-in-law rose to Lieutenant Colonel, and I enjoyed listening to his air force stories about low flying over villages in Europe and being reprimanded and how he chose the CT-114 Tutor for the Snowbirds ( Canadian air demonstration team). He thought the Tutor was better than the F-86 Sabre for air demonstration. I think of him often but especially in November. His service to Canada and the world in peaceful times is remembered by me.

My first cousin, James Fedevich, became a RCAF pilot for the Department of National Defence and has served for over 30 years. He presently is Senior Consultant to NATO. NATO is the North Atlantic Treaty Organization intergovernmental military Alliance between 29 North American and European countries agreeing to mutual defence. James has flown the Airbus 310 jet liner, Lockheed C-130 Hercules transport aircraft, the Boeing 707 jet liner, 90B Beechcraft King Air, and the CT-114 Tutor just like my father-in-law. I am proud of both of these men for keeping Canadian air space safe and for keeping peace and aiding assistance to other countries in times of need.

This Remembrance Day I think of every man and woman that has served and is serving in the military ( land, sea, and air ) to help give this planet freedom and peace from oppression.

Maybe you may want to connect more closely to a relative that has served or is serving. Maybe you can speak up when you witness bullying or abuse or injustice. We can all serve to make this planet more peaceful and a better place to live in.

"Lead me from death to life,
from falsehood to truth.
Lead me from despair to hope,
from fear to trust.
Lead me from hate to love,
from war to peace.
Let peace fill our heart, our world,
our universe."
Satish Kumar
1937-
Prayer for Peace from the Upanishads

At 11 a.m. on November 11th pause and remember and give thanks for the sacrifice of so many men and women who have served and serve.

Lest We Forget

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---

Imagine being in a spacecraft entering our Solar System. As you pass Pluto, Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, and then Mars all you see is barren and rocky landscapes. Up ahead coming into view is a planet with vivid blues and greens. You approach and orbit to see oceans of water, jungles of vegetation, streams of rivers, snows of mountains, and fields of grasses.You think, what a beautiful planet! It's a thriving planet with animals and humans like no where near. What an awe inspiring trip to take! Today, with satellite imagery, we can experience the beauty of our planet from space. Coming closer, one begins to see what 7.7 billion people have done to this planet both positively and negatively. Experts say a sustainable Earth would have 6 billion humans.

Recently, The Space Channel has been rebroadcasting The Twilight Zone which was an early 1960's TV series. One episode has James Whitmore as the captain of a group of humans trying to colonize a barren planet. The colonists have been away from Earth for 30 years and elders are trying to describe oceans,trees, grass etc. to the children. The colony has not thrived and will be abandoned as a spacecraft from Earth comes to transport them home which takes 6 months aboard. Imagine a planet with not a single tree. I can't. It is trees that inspire and help me heal most.

"What is this life for if we are so full of care that we have no time to stand in awe before nature and stare."

William H. Davies Welsh poet 1871-1940

Trees

Trees are the kindest things I know,
They do no harm, they simply grow

And spread a shade for sleepy cows,
And gather birds among their boughs.

They give us fruit in leaves above,
And wood to make our houses of,

And leaves to burn on Hallowe'en,
And in the Spring new buds of green.

They are the first when day's begun
To touch the beams of morning sun,

They are the last to hold the light
When evening changes into night,

And when a moon floats on the sky
They hum a drowsy lullaby

Of sleepy children long ago...
Trees are the kindest things I know.

Harry Behn
1898-1973

If you have not read Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree you must. Every one of my students have loved that book, as do I. The title says a lot.

My favorite tree is the Aspen. In grades 10-12, while on the cross country track team, we would have meets in Birds Hill Park, Manitoba in September. How I remember vividly hearing and seeing the breeze stirring the yellow Aspen leaves as I ran 6 km through the park! Here in Calgary, we have no Aspens or Oaks, or Maples and I miss them but my back neighbour has a row of different kinds of towering pine trees that line our shared fence. How awesome they are as birds and squirrels visit and in the winter snow ladens their branches. Throughout my home I have framed pictures of trees ( all kinds) including the red Maple leaf which also proudly adorns our Canadian flag.

In 1970, I was in Grade Ten and read Rachel Carson's book Silent Spring. Carson was a marine scientist and ecologist (1907-1964) who warned of misuse of chemical pesticides like DDT which was banned in 1972 in Canada due to its devastating effect on bird eggshells thinning and damaging reproductive ability. Carson wrote of the impact humans have on the natural world and she questioned our right to control nature and our destruction of it.

"Only within the moment of time represented by the present century has one species - man - acquired significant power to alter the nature of his world."

Rachel Carson brought environmental concerns to the forefront and she influenced me, a young teenager, to instill awareness, love,and care for nature which I have carried forward as a mother and as a teacher to my daughter and my students.

I could not understand why many of my students first instinct was to kill or destroy. When I coached the girl's baseball team in Woodridge in the Sandilands Forest area there was a badger hole near the diamond. All the students wanted to do was throw stones and sticks at the burrow to get to the badger and kill him. To this day this event bothers me. Why? When I taught in North Calgary a cascade of white butterflies alit the school playground. Students began stomping on them trying to kill as many as they could. Why? These were teaching moments and I took advantage to instill our need to be custodians of this planet's flora and fauna. As a class, we would donate to the World Wildlife Fund and discuss how each of us can do our part to help nature. I hope I influenced even a little. I know I did with my daughter as she loves nature and supports the SPCA ( Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) as well as WWF. She loves gardening in her yard and has many indoor plants as well as having beloved well cared for pets.

Don't Bother Any Butterflies
Don't bother any butterflies.
Don't irritate the inchworm
as it strolls along the leaf.

Do not besiege the bumblebee
or set upon the fly.
If a spider walks beside you
let the spider sidle by.

Try not to plague the locust.
Let the caterpillar pass.
Investigate no anthill
with your magnifying glass.

Don't terminate the termite
or antagonize the flea.
If a beetle is before you,
let it be, yeah, let it be.

If you should come across a bug
you now know what to do,
for if you do not bug the bug
the bug will not bug you.

Ken Nesbitt
1962-

Ken Nesbitt, Bruce Lansky, Jack Prelutsky, Dennis Lee, Kaye Starbird, and Shel Silverstein are some of the poets my students loved to read, with their insight and humor about all aspects of life. A poetry unit was a must every year I taught.

Wise

Whoever planned
the world was wise
to think of land
and seas and skies,

To plan a sun
and moon that could
be made to run
the way they should

But how did He
have time for all
the things we see
that are so small...

Like flowers in parks
and flakes of snow
and little sparks
the fireflies show?

Aileen L. Fisher
1906-2002

Every April the Canadian Cancer Society would have their daffodil campaign. The daffodil symbolizes strength and courage in the fight against cancer. Each year the secretary of my school coordinated the school campaign and with a donation came bundles of daffodils to sit proudly on my school desk and my kitchen table. I would smile at their cheery faces as I read the newspaper every morning and they would smile back as they joined my other bunch - tulips. How I love flowers and the warm feeling they give!

Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd -
A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I, at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

William Wordsworth
1770-1850

As a little girl in Manitoba it was the soft purple crocuses and the warm fuzzy pussy willows that heralded Spring. Soon, there would be blue Gentians, white Queen Anne's Lace, red Old Man's Whiskers, Bluebells, Goldenrod,and light pink wild roses. These were the wild flowers I loved. Today, every year, I look forward to choosing a color scheme for my outdoor annuals that will fill my planters and flowerbeds around my house. This year I chose red and white - petunias and geraniums especially.

It was when I visited Hawaii that I got to see one of my favorite flowers blooming and growing everywhere - Bird of Paradise. Coming off the plane at the airport the smells of hosts of flowers enveloped me and carried me to paradise. The best memory of all!

Bouquet

In Goldie's garden,
Flowers grow
Within a neat
And ordered row.

But in our Woodland,
Never neat
Grow jumbled rose
and meadowsweet,

And lily bell
And Queen Anne's lace
and dandelions
Everyplace.

Now, I prefer
The wildness where
The flowers have
To give and share.

But Goldie says
Both things are good:
The well - kept garden
And the wood.


Jane Yolen
1939-

How I look forward to the first robins returning every Spring, but how sad I am when they disappear in Fall. No longer do they splash in my bird bath as I smile and laugh at them through my window as I sit in my lounge chair watching TV. Sometimes I gently scold them when they don't share with each other the bath water. The robins usually have two batches of babies before heading south. What is good is that the tiny sparrows, magpies, and blue jays stay and the most adorable sight is over a dozen of the little sparrows all taking a bath at once. They love to share! One summer I was lucky to spy my favorite bird visiting my bird bath. I froze in awe as a cedar waxwing with his bandit mask basked on the top of my lawn chair after having a drink of water. Only that once has he come to visit. I wrote in my book of the meadowlark and how I took solace in his song.

One of my favorite poems has always been:

The Secret

We have a secret, just we three,
The robin, and I, and the sweet cherry - tree;
The bird told the tree, and the tree told me,
And nobody knows it but just us three.

But of course the robin knows it best
Because he built the - I shan't tell the rest;
And laid the four little - something in it -
I'm afraid I shall tell it every minute.

But if the tree and the robin don't peep,
I'll try my best the secret to keep;
Though I know when the little birds fly about
Then the whole secret will be out.

Unknown

I love birds! When Mya was in university in Vancouver she "saved" a Quaker Parakeet from the pet store. Naming him Buddy, he came home to Calgary with her after graduation. What a smart talkative bird! You can have a whole conversation with him - "How are you?" and he answers "Very good" and asks "How are you?" He asks for "Fresh food" and "Fresh water" and "Fresh paper" to play with. He says "Good night" and "Love you" at night and "Bye" when I leave and "Hey you" when I return. And so much more..... He's amazing and I am lucky that Mya, who lives on her own, let's me birdie sit Buddy often. Since Candy, my Yorkie, passed Buddy cheers me up and makes me laugh - the best company. Pets are amazing spirit lifters and devoted companions and I have been fortunate to have many in my life - How I miss my dogs Candy, Hero, Dixie, and Zorro; my cow Daisy; my hen Chirpy; and my cat Putski. I would not have survived heavy moments in my life if not for them greeting me as I got off the school bus or meeting me at the door after a tough teaching day to say welcome home I love you. The Creator thought of the best thing when He gave us these sparks of soul energy made of pure unconditional love.

"Animals are such agreeable friends -
they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms."

George Eliot
1819-1880

It is proven that animals assist greatly in therapy. They help cancer recoverers, human trafficking victims, and victims of traumatic physical and sexual abuse. In Ulster Park, New York there is a Donkey Park where donkeys are visited and appreciated for their calming presence to relieve stress. Our Planet history owes much to the companionship and workmanship of horses, donkeys, mules, oxen, camels, water buffalo, and llamas who have been and still are working side by side with us.

No matter where we live on this planet there are beautiful vistas close by. I am lucky to live today near the Rocky Mountains. When I first moved to Calgary I was very down hearted after a major betrayal and left field life change. In my younger years I lived on the great plain created by Lake Agassiz after the Ice Age melt. I can still picture in my mind the hazy purple blooming flax fields and the golden sheaves of wheat waving in the wind. It was the mountains that helped lift my doldrums and self pity and gave me courage to go on alone. Banff became my favorite place to visit. There was Sulphur Mountain with its gondola cable way to the summit to view majestic snowy peaks. There was Lake Minnewanka (Water of the Spirits in Nakoda) with its emerald green waters where I sat on a bench overlooking the lake as I calmed my thoughts of strife and soaked in Nature's peacefulness. There was Lake Louise's Plain of Six Glaciers where I hiked through awesome quiet scenery to a restful tea house. I was young then in 1990 and could walk for hours! I felt close to the Creator as never before. At the Gem and Mineral store I purchased crystals to help my healing - rose quartz, smoky quartz, clear quartz, and amethyst. They add positive energy to my house as burning sage clears negative energy.

When I lived in Vancouver (Richmond) Mya and I would go to the beach as often as we could. As Mya played, I contemplated and planned and the lapping sound of water soothed and refueled my soul. It was a respite from chaos and abuse. Do we ever stop to think how life-giving water really is? It is vital to preserve our oceans, rivers, and water tables.

It was Mrs. Zacharkiw - my Grade 1,2,3 teacher who helped develop my appreciation for poetry as she read poems to the class. This was the one room schoolhouse from Grade 1 to 8. My Grade 4,5,6 readers - Up and Away, Wide Open Windows, and All Sails Set had many poems and stories that I loved. Today, I have two of the three readers I was lucky to find at the annual book fair every spring. I will keep searching for the one missing.

How I loved and do love:

Silver

Slowly, silently, now the moon
Walks the night in her silver shoon;
This way, and that, she peers, and sees
Silver fruit upon silver trees;
One by one the casements catch
Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;
Crouched in his kennel, like a log;
With paws of silver sleeps the dog.
From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep
of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;
A harvest mouse goes scampering by,
With silver claws, and silver eye;
And moveless fish in the water gleam,
By silver reeds in a silver stream.

Walter de la Mare
1873-1956

( My name means goddess of the moon)

Who Has Seen The Wind

Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you.
But when the leaves hang trembling
The wind is passing thro?

Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I :
But when the trees bow down their heads
The wind is passing by.

Christina Georgina Rossetti
1830-1894

( Wind has always fascinated me. It even is in the title of my book. I fear and love the wind.)

I Keep Three Wishes Ready

I keep three wishes ready,
Lest I should chance to meet,
Any day a fairy
Coming down the street.


I'd hate to have to stammer,
Or have to think them out,
For it's very hard to think things up
When a fairy is about.

And I'd hate to lose my wishes,
For fairies fly away,
And perhaps I'd never have a chance
On any other day.

So I keep three wishes ready,
Lest I should chance to meet,
Any day a fairy
Coming down the street.

Annette Wynne
written in 1932

( This poem always made me think - if I had three wishes what would they be and how have those wishes changed over the years? I have a Tinker Bell collection that I cherish and display which reminds me of magic and whimsy and wonder and the need in our world for creativity. Tink is spunky and feisty and I wanted to be more courageous and brave in my life.)

The Swing

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it is the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside -

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown -
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

Robert Louis Stevenson
1850-1894

( On my website I have in the gallery a picture of me on a swing - this home swing I couldn't go very high because the poles would lift off the ground. But - at my Dugald school the swings were tall and I could pump to go very high. How I loved swinging at recess. My childhood sweetheart, Dan, would push me sometimes - a fond memory reminded by this poem.)

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost
1874-1963

( This poem to me means that we have so much responsibility and work to do that there is so little time to appreciate the wonder of nature. Yet, we need to do just that during our time on this beautiful planet. Just an amazingly deep poem that I have always loved. There are miles to go before we sleep - our time on earth spans maybe 80 years and we need to put forth our best selves by being caring and loving to everything and everyone.)

"Those who contemplate the beauty
of the earth find reserves
of strength that will endure
as long as life lasts."

Rachel Carson
1907-1964

Find solace and comfort in flora and fauna away for a while from the hectic demands and business of living with stress, chaos, strife, trauma,abuse, and loudness on this planet. There is beauty all around in the smallest of things so take time to refuel and heal your soul and appreciate yourself and all you have been through. Remember to take care of yourself.

Taking Turns

When sun goes home
behind the trees
and locks her shutters tight -

then stars come out
with silver keys
to open up the night.

Norma Farber
1909-1984

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"A good movie can take you out of your dull funk and the hopelessness that so often goes with slipping into a theatre; a good movie can make you feel alive again, in contact, not just lost in another city; good movies make you care, make you believe in possibilities again."

Pauline Kael film critic 1919-2001

We all have a story. Imagine if your life was made into a movie! What kind of movie genre would it be? Would it be Comedy, Adventure, Romance, Horror, Drama, Action, Mystery, or a little bit of all of these and more?

The movies that stay with you are like windows into a piece of your mind or soul. They tell something about your psyche. For, movies can transport you to another time and place, show an aspect of the human experience, make you laugh so you forget your troubles, make you cry to evoke human compassion, help you to question or see hope in your own life, or simply inspire and broaden perspective (open your eyes to important issues).

"Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that's why we're all interested in movies - those ones that make you feel, you still think about. Because it gave you such an emotional response, it's actually part of your emotional make-up, in a way."

Tim Burton film director 1958-

So, which movies have stayed with you or moved you somehow and why? Which movies just helped you get lost for a time when life became tough or gave you hope when you really needed it? Like Music, this is a very personal journey and no one else's list will be exactly like yours.

I will present my journey through movies and the ones that influenced me:

Growing up as a farm girl I don't remember watching movies. I don't remember any Disney animated movies at all. It wasn't until I became a mother to my daughter that I experienced Disney movies with her. Mya's favorite was Quest For Camelot while mine was Snow White. Probably Snow White because her parent was jealous and mean so that Snow White had to set out on her own and meet people who are not family but become family. Always there is that lurking menacing danger from the past. Like Snow White, we all wish for the fairy tale ending.

The only movies I do remember watching as a young girl was sometimes Saturday afternoon Horse Opera which featured Western Movies. Here is where I saw Audie Murphy, America's most decorated war hero, in The Cimarron Kid (1951), The Duel at Silver Creek (1952), and Tumbleweed (1953 ).

The odd Hallowe'en night in the 60's, my parents would drive us to Main Street Winnipeg to a cheap theatre so as not to have to give out candy to neighbour kids. I remember none of those movies but maybe I like cinema because of this experience. A few times we went to the Starlite Drive-in in Transcona where the only movie I remember was John Wayne's Rio Bravo released in 1959.

In Grade 9 we read Mutiny on the Bounty and watched the 1962 version starring Marlon Brando. Why this story of sailing for breadfruit to Tahiti in 1787 and later a ship mutiny affected me so much I'm not sure. It just did. Maybe it was the rigidity of authority and the dream of escape to paradise.

The first time I viewed the 1966 movie The Trap it stayed with me. Oliver Reed starred as a fur trapper in the early 1800's. Shot in British Columbia's wilderness, the movie showed the harshness and loneliness of human survival then. Rita Tushingham played the mute girl (caused by trauma) who becomes his needed companion in order to survive together against nature. This Adventure period movie had an amazing soundtrack and superb acting which put you right into their world. Though my life on the farm was filled with hardship and loneliness, it was no where near as tough as theirs. I would not take for granted electricity, telephones, fridges, toilets, stoves, hospitals etc. A similar movie in 2015 called The Revenant won 3 Oscars including Best Actor for Leonardo Di Caprio and is a distant trailer to The Trap.

The Horror genre is not one I visit very often probably because I have been afraid enough in my life. Though, there are a few that I consider worth seeing at Hallowe'en time. In 1982, the first movie I ever rented was American Werewolf In London. In those days VCR's were rented for the night along with the videos. This movie is now considered a cult classic. I only remember thinking that the make-up was well done. In 1983 the movie Christine came out and was based on a novel by Stephen King. A battered 1958 Plymouth Fury (named Christine) is bought by an unpopular teen named Arnie and restored. The car seems to change his personality and wreaks havoc and death on Arnie's foes and friends. The car possesses evil in the forms of jealousy, revenge, and murder. Truly scary inside but beautiful outside! My number one scariest movie is Duel (1971) which was the first movie Steven Spielberg ever directed. It is the story of a lone driver who is terrorized by a smoky, dusty, oily, and grey tanker truck for no reason but that he was passed. It is the ultimate road rage movie. This movie is excellently filmed to create fear in the viewer because of a truck that never gives up.

In my first year of university, I took a third year course in Greek Mythology getting a B+ grade and was lucky to go to Greece with my prof on a guided tour of Greece and Crete. In 1981 Clash of the Titans came out and I saw it at the theatre in Winnipeg by myself. It is the story of Perseus starring Harry Hamlin. Classic mythical characters are featured like Pegasus, Poseidon, and Medusa, and led to wonderful entertainment for a lover of Greece. Two other Fantasy genre movies I was affected by were both of the same theme. Death decides to come to earth in human form to see why we fear him so much and why we so badly want to live. This was the 1971 movie Death Takes A Holiday starring Monte Markham. This movie was redone in 1998 starring Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black. Death wants to experience the human condition with all its emotions. Both movies led me to question the purpose of life and how much death and dying is really feared along with what happens after we die. All my life I have read books on spirituality and I keep trying to discover as much as I can about the hereafter.

The number one Fantasy Romance is the movie Ladyhawke (1985) starring Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer. Set in the 13th century, it is the story of a knight and a lady under an evil spell cast by a jealous bishop. "Always together; eternally apart." By day she is a hawk; by night he is a wolf seeing each other as human for a second at dusk and dawn. A very moving love story evoking sympathy to their plight with hope for a happy resolution. Wonderful escapism!

Romance is a huge genre with many a movie as its theme. In 1973, in my Grade 12 Literature class, Mrs. Mazer showed us the 1968 movie version of Romeo and Juliet after studying the Shakespearean play. Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting were our same age and so this movie resonated with us. Parents did not want the teenagers to associate or date or marry and so they defied them. This struck a chord with me and my classmates. Ten years later the same would happen to me also with serious consequences.

Crossing Delancey (1988) starred Amy Irving who played a young woman working in New York who has a Jewish grandmother trying to match her up with a man who owns a pickle shop. Thinking he is not the right "class" for her she overlooks the kind Sam for the caddish Anton. It is a wonderful movie about finding someone for their good soul and heart and not their occupation or status.

One of the most romantic movies is that of a young widow in England who rents a cottage by the sea haunted by a sea captain. His ethereal visits to her throughout her lifetime both scare and later assist her as love grows between them. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (1947) starred my favorite actress, Gene Tierney.

Titanic came out in 1997 and quickly became a blockbuster. Amid the colossal disaster of the huge ocean liner love bloomed between two young people from different classes only to physically end when one of them dies after the ship sinks. Starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo Di Caprio, the movie tugged at heart strings everywhere with excellent cinematography, soundtrack, and story line. This is a movie I watch over and over again with a box of Kleenex.

In 2004 The Notebook was released starring Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. The couple meet in 1940's America and their romance is narrated by the now senior Ryan played by James Garner as he visits his wife in the nursing home as she battles Alzheimer's. It is a story of love lasting a lifetime and beyond.

Jane Austen published her book Pride and Prejudice in 1813 about 5 sisters from an English family seeking love and marriage proposals. In 2005 the best version was released starring Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen. This is romanticism at its best as we all seek a Mr. Darcy!

In my late 40's I tried online dating which was becoming a popular way to meet someone. Though I never found "Mr. Darcy" Diane Lane did in Must Love Dogs (2005) with John Cusack. This movie was a sign of the times and is another movie I watch over and over.

Comedy is the movie genre that makes you laugh and can present heavy topics in a lighthearted way. All John Candy movies are funny movies to laugh at like Uncle Buck or Chevy Chase's Caddyshack.

Groundhog Day (1993) was directed by Harold Ramis and starred Bill Murray. A TV weatherman wakes up to relive his day over and over. He decides to change things for the better and be a better person. This movie theme makes me think if I could live one day over which day would it be and how would it change the rest of my life? I know the day I would relive but then I probably would be living in Toronto instead of Calgary and everyone here I would never have met. Everything would be different but not necessarily better!

Fargo (1996) was written, produced, and directed by the Coen brothers and starred Frances McDormand and William Macy. Filmed in North Dakota, over the border from Manitoba, it tells the story of a car salesman wanting to have his wife kidnapped to get ransom money from his wealthy father-in-law. Though a serious plot, the characters are hilarious and bungling which adds humor to a wonderful movie.

One of the funniest movies is Mickey Blue Eyes (1999) starring Hugh Grant. A New York auctioneer is the fiance of a mafia father's daughter and he gets sucked into the biz. Full of hi-jinks with the FBI and crime family members, Grant's portrayal of the fake mafia guy is excellent. Love this movie!

Another large movie genre is Action and Drama. Ever since I can remember I have loved sword fighting movies. The best sword fighter was Errol Flynn ( my favorite actor) often in movies combating Basil Rathbone as his foe. The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) is a swashbuckler movie highlighting the story of Robin Hood which is a great historic character to cheer for. Swordplay is amazing and Errol makes a great Robin Hood.

Of course, The Godfather Trilogy from 1972, 1974, and 1990 by Francis Ford Coppola is a stand out. It is the life of a fictional crime family in New York over generations starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino. These movies take you into a much different family from your own yet the expectations, duties, honor, misfortune, and love is similar.

The best Action and Drama movie is Point of No Return (1993) starring Bridget Fonda and Gabriel Byrne. It is the story of Maggie, a drug addict and murderess, whose death is faked when she is recruited to become an assassin for a secret agency. Full of intrigue, character development, and plot twists the viewer grows to hope that Maggie gets to live a "normal" life away from drama. Does she really deserve to be set free is the question. Love this thought provoking movie about people being able to change their character.

Sci fi is another popular movie genre with advancement in special effects. Produced by Stanley Kubrick, 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) led the way. It is about a US spacecraft traveling to Jupiter controlled by HAL the ship's computer. HAL appears to go rogue and endangers human lives requiring deactivation. A mysterious artificial monolith appears suggesting other worldly influences creating fear and awe at the same time. Stanley Kubrick also produced A Clockwork Orange which was a movie I so wanted to go see in 1971 but my parents forbade me to go. I would see this movie years later as a rental at the video store.

In 1977, the first Star Wars movie came out and I took myself to the theatre in Winnipeg to see it on big screen. I was totally in awe of the story, the special effects, and the characters. It was a whole new world where good was trying to conquer evil. Since then the franchise continues. Franchise movies often are great escape action and drama films - Star Trek, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Harry Potter engross us and we invest emotion in the characters.

My number one Sci fi movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) starring Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey. This is the movie that really affected me. It is a Sci fi exploration of love where one can erase the memory of a past boyfriend or girlfriend from the mind. The main characters do just that after their relationship breakup. The movie raises the questions: Would I? Could I? Should I? if I could. Thing is, that every good memory is erased with the bad. Is it better to remember and slowly heal or just forget and get it over with quickly? It made me think - since I have so many horrible memories... but no for it is through memory we learn who we are and what we can become.

In my library I have many biographical books ranging from world leaders to famous people, to movie stars and musicians. The three best Biographical or Period dramas contain superb character development and excellent soundtracks.

La Bamba (1987) tells the story of Ritchie Valens played by Lou Diamond Phillips who has his rock n' roll career cut short after his hits Donna and La Bamba. Everyone in my generation remembers or has heard of the 1959 plane crash that took Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. Don McLean, in 1971, immortalized that sad event when he sang "the day the music died" in his song American Pie. The Buddy Holly Story (1978) starring Gary Busey is also great.

Amadeus (1984) is a fictional biography of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart excellently portrayed by Tom Hulce. This movie won Best Picture in 1985 and best actor for F. Murray Abraham as Salieri. He was good but also nominated for best actor was Hulce who, I remember thinking as I watched the Academy Awards, should have won.

The best biographical film is Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993) starring Jason Scott Lee. The film does justice to Bruce Lee's life and talents. I bought the soundtrack immediately. The racial injustices in Hollywood and society then and now still make me seek to be aware of not seeing color or religion or sex. We are all of the Human Race and from the same place. Seek to be kind!

Movies That Influence Me:

Another school year is beginning and though I am now retired I remember the movies that influenced me in my career as a teacher.

Always, at the end of August, I would watch To Sir With Love (1967) with Sidney Poitier as a teacher in an inner city British school with disruptive teens. He adjusts the curriculum to reflect practical knowledge - creating a resume, dating, social etiquette etc. With that the students show interest and see relevance and he earns their respect. I also strove to engage all students to think for themselves, find relevance and initiative, highlight their talents, and strengthen weaknesses, and be productive citizens of the classroom and later the world. This movie and the theme song "To Sir With Love" sung by Lulu always inspired me to be the best teacher I could be.

Up The Down Staircase (1967) starred Sandy Dennis as a young idealistic English teacher in a New York overcrowded school with students from tough backgrounds. This movie always made me think, as I looked over my new students' faces, what experiences had they already handled outside of class- divorce, abuse, foster hood, poverty etc. It was so important to create a safe and fair classroom which respected individual differences and needs.

The third inspirational movie for me was Dead Poets Society (1998) starring Robin Williams as a new poetry teacher at a all boys prep school. With rigid societal school and family norms he dares to teach differently to inspire his class with many wise and practical ideas for their lives. There are parents who tell their sons, " You will be what I tell you to be, and do what I tell you to do." ( I can so identify with this)

Professor Keating says:
Seize the day - Carpe Diem
Make your life extraordinary - there is no one else like you
Find your own voice - dare to be different and breakout
Look at things a different way - consider what you think and not what someone else thinks
Should you dare or should you be cautious - for a wise man knows when to...

I was fortunate to have teachers that inspired, that cared, that told me I could do it.Mrs. Zacharkiw - my Grade 1-3 teacher I admired and loved so much that I became a teacher striving to be admired and loved by my students.Mr. Wawryko - my High School Math teacher who would sing, whistle, and crack jokes ( always happy ) who gave his time at noon to give extra help to those of us not grasping Math concepts.Mr. Taylor - my High School History and Art teacher whose unconventional style made learning fun and taught me to look for links, reasons why, and to see cultural and social progress from History. We can do better, be better, care better than our predecessors.

Did you have a teacher that inspired you somehow? I sure hope so!

"A good teacher takes a hand, opens a mind, and touches a heart."

Anonymous

"A teacher is a very special person who uses his or her creativity and loving, inquiring mind to develop the rare talent of encouraging others to think, to dream, to learn, to try, to do."

Beverley Conklin Blues singer

Today, my very first class of students would be 52 years of age. I wonder how life has treated each of them. I hope I was a positive influence in some small way. They remain a special group to me and I think fondly of my 1977-1978 teaching year.

Are there movies highlighting your occupation? Some great movies having other jobs being highlighted are:

Car Wash (1976) car washer
Heaven Can Wait (1978) quarterback
Big Chill (1983) attorney, actor
Mr. Mom (1983) parenting
Mannequin (1987) department store worker
Working Girl (1988) secretary
Mystic Pizza (1988) waitress
You've Got Mail (1998) retail or bookstore
Spotlight (2015) journalist

Movies have given us many famous quotes:

"Elementary, my dear Watson" --- The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 1929

"I'll get you my little pretty, and your little dog too"

"There's no place like home " --- Wizard of Oz 1939

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" --- Love Story 1970

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse" --- The Godfather Trilogy 1970's

"I'm so mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore" --- Network 1976

"May the force be with you" --- Star Wars 1977

"Go ahead, make my day" --- Sudden Impact 1983

"I'll be back" --- The Terminator 1984

"I'm king of the world" --- Titanic 1997

"My precious" --- The Lord of the Rings 2002

Musicals are not a genre I particularly like but you might. I find that I always want to get back to the story line so my impatience grows. Yet, Grease (1978) and Mama Mia (2008) both have excellent soundtracks and advance the story to some degree.

My top movies of all time that have affected me deeply are:

4) One Week (2008) - stars Joshua Jackson as a teacher who learns he has an aggressive form of cancer that needs treatment immediately. Instead, he takes a motorcycle trip across Canada in search of meaning to his life. This movie always makes me think of what I would do if I got this diagnosis. How would I react? What really is important to me? Would I go though chemo and lose my hair? Would I be ready to go? Are my affairs in order? Did I do enough with my life? Have I hurt someone and need to make amends?

3) E.T. (1982) - directed by Steven Spielberg, is a movie that makes you laugh, cry, feel fear, feel empathy, and cheer. The main character is a friendly alien who just wants to go home. The heroes are kids who show the power of friendship transcending beyond earth. This movie makes me feel that there are always good people on this planet and the human race has hope to do better.

2) Laura (1944) - stars Dana Andrews and Gene Tierney and is a film noir- a stylish crime drama about mystery and murder. There is intrigue, surprise, and romance. This movie has it all - a hero, a villain, a heroine, and twists and turns before a climax and happy ending. Love this elegant witty movie with my favorite actress and for me is escapism at its best.

1) Made In Heaven (1987) - my favorite movie above all others stars Timothy Hutton and Kelly McGillis. Sadly, a nice giving main character dies helping others from drowning and in heaven he encounters a soul who has never been to Earth. After both incarnate, they try to find each other here on this planet. This movie reminds me of our spiritual journey here; its purpose; finding our person or soulmate; and the importance of realizing there is so much we don't know the reason for. Though I never found my "soulmate" I have met many helping, caring and loving souls in my journey so far. Just a wonderful movie all around including the song "We Never Danced".

Today's generations also find healing help in video games and virtual reality experiences. We all need to find escape sometimes into other worlds, other lives, and other places. Find what helps you heal best or just gives you a break from thinking, feeling, or hurting. All in moderation is good. Remember that healing does take time and effort. Keep trying but do take breaks. I shall continue my healing help blog with Nature in September. Meanwhile, believe you are a recovering person getting better.

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"Music is probably the only real magic I have encountered in my life. There's not some trick involved with it. It's pure and it's real. It moves, it heals, it communicates, and does all these incredible things."

Tom Petty 1950-2017

"Music gives a soul to the universe, Wings to the mind, Flight to the imagination, And life to everything."

Plato 428-348 BC

Each of us has history with music and songs. Every generation would have their idols, their theme songs, their lyrics to identify with. Music is a "Universal Language" uniting us all in thought or emotion. Feelings are stirred, hurts soothed, heartaches eased, longings fanned, love evoked, souls calmed, spirits lifted, and youth recalled. We sing along, dance, cry, smile, remember, recall, reflect, or just listen and enjoy. Through music you are able to know yourself better - your feelings, your likes and dislikes, your personality, and your influential experiences on this planet.

Being a Baby Boomer, I have lived the evolution of sound transmission and music genres. It began with tube radio, then transistor radio, boom box, and stereo console playing vinyl LP's and 45's. Then came eight tracks, cassette tape players, and Walkman's followed by CD's and iPod's. Today most music can be listened to on the internet and especially on YouTube. Television showcased music early on with The Ed Sullivan Show and Dick Clark's American Bandstand. The MTV station played music videos as does VTV today.

As a baby, the first music I would have heard would be the organ and hymns sung by the church congregation. As I mentioned in my book, my father would sometimes sing Ave Maria at home but I don't remember my mother ever singing. As I started school, the teacher would teach us songs from The Manitoba School Song Book and Christmas carols.

It was 1965, and my parents bought a stereo console for playing LP's. Their only preference was country music- Wilf Carter, Hank Snow, Jim Reeves, and Kitty Wells. Just not my cup of tea! With that stereo purchase came a free collection of songs from movies. The one song I remember liking as Moon River sung by Audrey Hepburn from the 1961 movie Breakfast At Tiffany's.

In Grade 5, I was attending the Grade 1-8 one room school in Arondale and the Grade 8's would bring in 45's to play on the record player during indoor recesses. The song I remember liking was Wooly Bully by Sam the Sham and The Pharaohs. What songs do you first remember liking?

It was Grade 6 when I first really began loving Rock and Roll music. Though I wasn't allowed to buy any music then, my classmates were. To my parents, Rock and Roll music represented long hair, jeans, drugs, immorality, and a total bad influence on youth. For Hallowe'en, Christmas, and Valentine class parties we would listen to and dance to Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones or Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles and many more fun songs with great beats. I was in choir every year and we even recorded an album one year for a fundraiser. One song I remember recording was April Showers by Louis Silvers written in 1921. As I said in my book, my friends and I sang This Land Is Your Land the Canadian version for a Christmas Concert.

In the late 50's and early 60's crooners were popular. These male singers sang in a soft style backed by an orchestra, big band, or piano. There was Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, Tony Bennett, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, and Nat King Cole. Slightly before my time, I was not keen on this genre but I did grow to like Bobby Darin.

It was through watching the Adventures Of Ozzie and Harriet on television as a preteen girl that I glimpsed my first teen idol. To this day, I think that the dreamiest guy just has to be Ricky Nelson. The TV show, which ran from 1952 -1966 began highlighting Ricky's music talent. Songs like Travelin' Man, Poor Little Fool, and Hello Mary Lou Ricky sang as closeups gave me something to swoon about in secret. I remember the day December 31, 1985 when a news broadcast told of Ricky dying in a plane crash. Such a sad day! In 2016, I special ordered the book Idol For A Generation by Joel Selvin, a biography of Ricky Nelson. As I read, I recalled that pleasant memory from my childhood and I went on YouTube to play Ricky's original performances from over 50 years ago- amazing that internet.

It was television that allowed me to see what Rock and Roll singers looked like. My parents did watch Ed Sullivan which was a Sunday evening variety show often showcasing bands. The Beatles were on for three consecutive Sundays in 1964 singing first I Want To Hold Your Hand. In 1965 the Herman's Hermits sang Mrs. Brown You've Got A Lovely Daughter, and my second teen idol, Peter Noone, made my heart flutter.

From 1966-1968 I was allowed to watch The Monkees on TV and my third idol Davy Jones sang Daydream Believer and I'm A Believer and many more great feel good songs. My parents hated me buying 45's, wasting my money, and playing Rock music. The little bit of money I got from my grandparents I took to Gambles store and found Beatles and Monkees 45's in the clearance bin for ten cents each. I was not allowed to watch American Bandstand as it aired at a time that there were chores to be done on the farm - no video taping available yet.

As I said in my book, during my high school years I signed out music albums for overnight from the library to play quietly on the stereo. It would be after getting a teaching job and living away from the farm that I bought a record player, speakers, and LP's and 45's - I still have my 200 plus 45's and 150 plus albums in my crawlspace. Most of this music I replaced with the CD format. The 1980's saw the growth of music videos which I watched on MTV.

"Music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common."

Sarah Dessen
1970-

In the mid to late 60's song lyrics began featuring social issues and commentary on reform and change. Previously, lyrics were mainly about love and its angst: Runaway Sue by Del Shannon, It's My Party by Lesley Gore, Chapel of Love by The Dixie Cups, and This Diamond Ring by Gary Lewis and The Playboys. Lyrics gave voice to the feeling and mood of the time with the younger generation - my generation. There were war protests and civil rights marches in the U.S.A. Certain songs spoke to me and made me long for peace in the world: Eve Of Destruction by Barry McGuire 1965 ( a protest song about political issues, injustice, hypocrisy, and racism) We Gotta Get Out Of This Place by The Animals 1965 ( not really a protest song but US soldiers sang it as their theme song in Vietnam connecting them and helping them cope)

Protest songs really stirred feelings about world issues and often created action. Maybe for me, who didn't have a great home life, these songs planted a seed of hope that the future could be better and things could change. Bob Dylan wrote many protest and thought provoking songs:

Blowin' In The Wind 1963 (anthem for civil rights) The Times They Are a-Changin' 1964 (influenced our view on society carrying a message for change) Knockin' On Heaven's Door 1973 (about the mortality of life and the question of Heaven or Hell) Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2016. Well deserving!

John Lennon's Give Peace A Chance 1969 was performed and recorded in Montreal and became the anthem of the American anti war movement in the 70's. His Power To The People 1971 was a slogan for democracy. Probably one of the most moving songs ever written, and my favorite, is Imagine from 1971 about envisioning a world of peace and unity provoking thought and hope. I remember the day I heard John Lennon was murdered in New York outside his residence- December 8, 1980. I cried and felt sad for the loss to our world.

The Hollies sang He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother 1970 about giving loving support to those that need it. Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall 1979 was about self-isolating barriers we create that cause distance from our fellow man. This song became associated with the Berlin Wall coming down in 1989 - something I never thought I would see happen in my lifetime. Amazing moment in history! There was U2's Pride(In The Name Of Love) 1984 written to exemplify non-violent resisters like Jesus, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King. Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror 1987 called for racial harmony, social responsibility, and changing prejudices starting with each of us.

Phil Collins sang Another Day In Paradise 1989 about homelessness. All these songs have strong messages we need to heed and maybe do something in our own lives to make this world a better place. It starts with each one of us in our own lives. Keep peace, help each other, and be kind to one another.

"Music is therapy. Music moves people. It connects people in ways that no other medium can. It pulls heart strings. It acts as medicine."

Macklemore
1983-

Music unites us in life saving causes and world, national, and city pride. Music based fund raising concerts were held and broadcast in 1984 and 1985 for the Ethiopian famine crisis. Charity singles were released to raise money for the cause:

Britain's Band Aid- Do They Know It's Christmas

U.S.A. for Africa- We Are The World

Canada's Northern Lights- Tears Are Not Enough

Watching the FIFA 2018 soccer from Russia, it was moving to see capacity filled stadiums of fans and their team players united in swelling pride as their national anthems played. When I hear and sing O Canada, I feel that pride for a country that accepted both sets of my grandparents back in the 1930's. How lucky I feel to be living in this great country! Sports venues play songs to get fans united as they sing, cheer, shout, rise to their feet, and clap during breaks in action on the field or ice. Queen's We Are The Champions and Another One Bites The Dust are staples. Quiet Riot's Cum On Feel The Noize or Europe's The Final Countdown blare. Twisted Sister's We"re Not Gonna Take It plays when referee calls are questionable. Canada's Stompin' Tom Connors The Hockey Song is played at ice rinks. Here in Canada, for Thursday's Canadian Football League games, the Reklaws song Long Live The Night broadcasts on TSN as does Janey Brown's CFL theme song for Friday's football games. Being a huge Calgary Stampeder's fan, I put up a Go Stamps Go sign in my window on game day and cheer for my team.

On the opposite end of music promoting exhilaration and cheering is music for relaxation, calm, and rest. In my study I have a CD collection that I play when I read, write, draw, or color. The Solitudes series has environmental sound experiences like Ocean Surf (my favorite), Rain forest, Loon Lake, Coastal Storm, and Spring Morning on The Prairies. I also have yoga music for calming my soul and my mind in times of stress and worry.

In 1977 Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 space probes were sent out with golden disks of recorded sounds portraying our diversity around our planet in nature and music. Many music genres like Classical, Folk, Mariachi, Jazz, and Blues were included along with Rock's pioneer Chuck Berry singing Johnny B. Goode. Voyager left our solar system in 2012 heading farther and farther away into space. You can listen to the recordings on Soundcloud.com/nasa/sets/golden-record-sounds-of

What is your favorite music genre? Maybe it's devotional music with hymns and songs of praise sung by choirs. Or maybe it's music from other countries that may resonate with your heart and soul - countries you've visited or wish you could visit. I sometimes listen to the Greek stringed bouzouki music or the Hawaiian ukulele music. The Peruvian bagpipes create a haunting melancholy mood which I grew to like after teaching my Grade 3's about Peru. Certain artists have transcended borders.

Jamaica's Bob Marley and reggae resonated with people all over the world.
Pop Rock music probably crosses the borders the easiest:

The British Invasion led by The Beatles in the mid 60's saw so many rock bands from the U.K. come to North America. Abba from Sweden sang Mama Mia and Dancing Queen from 1975 on. The Proclaimers from Scotland sang I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) and I'm On My Way in 1988. In the 1960's The Irish Rovers came from Ireland and moved to Toronto and Calgary and became famous for The Unicorn and Wasn't That A Party. In 2012 it was Psy's Gangnam Style from South Korea. This song became the first YouTube video to reach 1 billion views topping music charts across the world. It started a dance craze.

Novelty dance music unites people at weddings, celebrations, and school dances. In 1952 it was The Bunny Hop and Hokey Pokey by Ray Anthony that is still regularly played today. In Manitoba socials are common for pre-wedding celebration. DJ's play The Chicken Dance composed by accordion player Werner Thomas or Chubby Checker's Twist. Each year the schools I taught at held Activity Day in June. Teachers had to create and man a station either inside or outside the school building. How the students loved my Limbo Station with Limbo Rock by Chubby Checker playing on my boom box and a sparkly decorated broom handle to limbo under as it went lower and lower! Y.M.C.A. by The Village People still makes me raise my arms and form the letters as I sing along. In 1978 Shout by Otis Day and The Knights was featured on the movie Animal House and became a trend as did The Time Warp from 1973's Rocky Horror Picture Show. Both were played regularly at JR Houston's nightclub here in Calgary in the early 90's. The Conga by Gloria Estefan in 1985 and Walk Like An Egyptian by the Bangles in 1986 also got patrons to their feet in unison. When I first moved to Calgary, my friends and I discovered many country nightclubs like The Rocking Horse and the Ranchman's. Though not my favorite, I did try my hand at line dancing to Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus. I smile when I think of the Macarena by Los Del Rio from 1996. Mya's kindergarten teacher taught her class this dance which they performed for the parents.

Do songs remind you of certain times in your life? Can you hear a song and think of a place or a person from your present or your past? Here are a few of mine:

Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple makes me think of my student exchange to Quebec in my Grade 12 year.

Al Stewart's Year Of The Cat and Bob Seger's Night Moves from 1976 make me think of Wanipigow School where I practice taught in my last year of university.

I think of my honeymoon to Hecla Island and a happy time when I hear Money For Nothing by Dire Straits.

But, only a short time later, a very devastating time of divorce poignantly was told in Roxette's Must Have Been Love lyrics. This song always makes me tear up when I hear it.

My first year 1990 in Calgary, I am reminded of my bravery when I hear You Drive Me Crazy by the Fine Young Cannibals or Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

I think of little Mya as a preschooler when I hear Walk This Way by Aerosmith as she loved that song.

I think of my friend Janet when Roxette's Joyride plays and as I say in my book, there are many songs that make me think of friends who have passed through my life or off this earth that bring a smile to my face as I remember.

Possibly the largest music genre is Soft Rock or Easy Listening music. It is the soothing, heartwarming, and timeless music that fills radio's air waves. I would listen to this music as I made my long treks to school and back for 28 years or as I cooked or did house chores. Songs like:

Dust In The Wind by Kansas
The Air That I Breathe by The Hollies
Babe by Styx
Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
The Search Is Over by Survivor
I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner
These Dreams by Heart
Remember by Bryan Adams

The very first 45 I bought for 10 cents along with the Beatles and Monkees was the Moody Blues Knights In White Satin from 1967. The lead singer, Justin Hayward, was and still is so good looking!

Though I never really listened to Heavy Metal or Hard Rock in my younger days, I grew to appreciate the genre as I aged. There was AC DC's Thunderstruck and Moneytalks and Led Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven. Steppenwolf's Born To Be Wild and Iron Butterfly's In A Gadda Da Vida I play today with cranked volume.

What are your top three songs of all time that evoke most emotion in you?

Mine are:

3) Solitary Man by Neil Diamond from 1966 ( a song poignant for my life when so many times I have been left to be alone again with no family support or love from people who should have been there for me)

2) Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers from 1965 ( about that everlasting love we all search for and I never found)

1) When The Children Cry by White Lion from 1987 ( about generational need to fix the past with peace and understanding and a belief that we can do better than the generation before us)

Think of your top three musical bands that have influenced your life somehow. It's the ones whose albums you play from cover to cover ( every song). Mine are:

3) Prism - a Canadian band formed in Vancouver in 1977 and the year I graduated after four years of university and began my teaching career. So many great songs - See Forever Eyes, Armageddon, Young and Restless, Night To Remember, Take Me Away, Don't Let Him Know When Prism toured in 1988, they played in Winnipeg at The Windsor Park Inn nightclub which was kitty corner to my house. I got to hear and see them play live - one of the best days of my life.

2) Journey and Steve Perry - a US band formed in 1973 who were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2017. My iPhone ringtone is Journey's Don't Stop Believin'. So many great songs like Open Arms, Faithfully, and Oh Sherrie.

1) My number one band is Savage Garden - an Australian band formed in the late 90's. Their two albums, Savage Garden and Affirmation contain the songs I Want You, To The Moon And Back, Truly Madly Deeply, The Animal Song, Affirmation, and I Knew I Loved You. It is their song Crash and Burn that spoke to me and still does:

Crash and Burn

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore

Chorus: Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

I really began my healing journey in the 90's. There were so many times I felt all alone and I felt I couldn't take anymore. I had had so much heartache and pain - disownment, broken heart, money issues, abuse etc. It was this song that gave me solace and hope. I took the meaning to be about spiritual assistance and that I was never really alone. I could start over and I could make it and I did with the help of music and faith.

What song has given you comfort and solace or inspiration at a low point in your life? Go play that song right now.

If any of the songs in my playlist have produced a memory or just stirred curiosity you can listen to any of these songs on YouTube. Think of healing music for you and find your playlist.

"Music is the language of the spirit.
It opens the secret of life,
Bringing peace, abolishing strife."

Kahil Gibran
1883 - 1931

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"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."

Kent Nerburn
1946-

A loving father makes his children feel secure, safe, and supported. Though, I didn't have this kind of biological father, I was fortunate, that for a time, I did have a loving father-in-law. My father-in-law treated me like a daughter and cared about my well being and safety. He was the perfect example of how a father should be and I was lucky to have known him and spent many a happy time in his company.

I have wondered so many times why my father was so strict, stern, and cruel. What had caused him to be so angry, harsh, and punishing? If he had been loving and caring would my life have been easier?

I guess, being born female and first born really disappointed him. Multi-generational old country beliefs dictated the need for sons to perpetuate farm legacies. The eldest was to carry on familial traditions which I didn't want to undertake. My father often said to me," You should have been a boy so you could help me more." He demanded that I marry a farmer so I could help his dream in that way. When I chose city over country I was disowned before almost being killed.

As a child, I was extremely afraid of my father. He controlled through instilling fear and I had to obey without question. My father had an explosive temper and he would use the belt whenever he felt like it for any little infraction I did. How I feared the belt,his loud shouting voice, his constant criticisms, and his gun! It was all for my own good sanctioned by his own upbringing, Catholic teachings, and 1960's society. He was a product of his environment, religion, upbringing, and circumstances and he chose to practice what he had inherited rather than change or grow and do different. It was just easier to do the same.

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."

Sigmund Freud
1856-1939

There was no protection from his wrath and physical abuse. I was a hapless child. How tough it was to break away from the responsibility to family I had been burdened with! Risking at 27, to direct my own life, I narrowly escaped and shattered my father's dream and need of a farm dynasty. I had to claw my way out from under his rule and realize that I had rights to my own life, choices, career, opinions, values, and path. He never took the time to know me and my dreams, my goals, and my hopes. Only his mattered. His dreams were not my dreams. My power was in choice and as an adult I could choose differently which I could not do as a child.

My father must of had his own fears, hurts, and wounds from things done to him. He was not able to show love. To him, kids were for work not love. The eldest carried generational tradition, obligation, and duty. My father knew no different or didn't want to know. I wanted to walk my own path- the path not traveled by any female relative before me. I luckily had been born into a time when feminism was advancing and sexism and gender inequality was slowly disappearing in the rear view mirror.

"Children begin by loving their parents;
As they grow older they judge them;
Sometimes, they forgive them."

Oscar Wilde
1854-1900

Like a heavy tear soaked sponge, I wanted to wring out every drop of injustice and pain from my past and replace the pores with understanding, compassion, forgiveness, peace, and love. To forgive others is a key to evolution of ones soul, I believe. That forgiveness takes a little at a time for a long time- for me 60 earth years.

My forgiveness towards my father has been achieved through insight, understanding, and compassion. We are all products of our billions of experiences and our choices.

My father was an immigrant to Canada from Eastern Europe at a time of imminent WWII who spoke no English and had come with little money and a farming background. His family saw security in land ownership and money in the bank achieved by hard work by all members. He had a Grade Seven education and had dropped out of school to work full time on the farm. Though he had an older brother, the burden fell on him to continue the legacy especially since his father had died at the age of 64. So, the farm and toil became his life and his path. Duty called and he had to answer.

Who knows what his real dreams, goals, aspirations, or wishes were. He never shared them. My father was very intelligent and good looking and he married my mother, I think for love, but I don't believe it was reciprocated. She "wore the pants" and ordered him to quit smoking, drinking, or having any fun no matter how little. So, he became a workaholic farmer to maybe avoid stark reality and human closeness and became resigned to a life of toil. For his children he provided the basic necessities but little else. It was a life that heavily relied on weather, physical labor, and total commitment to the land and its daily demands in order to make a go and prosper. Prosper he did- for he died a millionaire. There had been no choice but to WORK hard. No time for reading books or reflecting on behaviors or beliefs. He became a miserable, mean,and bitter soul. There was probably the hope that in his old age his work would be eased by his children who would continue his legacy he had built. It didn't happen!

So, what legacy did my father leave?

My father valued education and supported my choice to attend university which led to a beloved lifelong career and a way for me to be independent. He definitely instilled in me a strong work ethic that aided in my success. He valued ownership of land and possessions and I loved and took pride in all my properties and homes. My father loved nice cars and I too owned Firebirds, Camaros, and top of the line Civics. He taught me to spend money wisely and look for "deals." I learned time management and how to fix things on my own from my father. I got my nice singing voice from him. Above all, I learned how to do differently and to be different in many ways:

I would not use corporal punishment or yell.
I would show affection and love my child
I would have self-control of my emotions and value communication and expression
I would be a feminist and believe in equality for all
I would be educated and love city life
I would be an animal lover and support their welfare
I would balance work, family, and the value of money
I would reject Catholicism and its fear doctrines and be strongly spiritual.

After all has been said and done there have been moments in my history with my father that have truly helped in my forgiving him for his actions towards me.

In 2004, at his 50th Wedding Anniversary, he leaned over to me and quietly said,"Let's let bygones be bygones."

In 2009, I received a spiritual message from my father. He told me he was sorry and he apologized for not mellowing with age. He wanted me to know that he WAS proud of me.

In 2014, I discovered his will that left me half of the farm. This was huge in my healing process. My father had acknowledged me for being a girl good enough to inherit land which had never happened in any previous generation in our family. That will is safely preserved in my photo album in my study, though, it is null and void today since it was replaced by my mother's will which reverted the land back to her only son.

Slowly, I have confronted and conquered my wounds and hurts in my legacy with my father. I have struggled to forgive and find compassion. No longer do I have regular recurring thoughts of past injustices and I am more at peace with the past. I do have empathy and compassion in my heart for my father's tough life and his choices he made while he lived on this Earth from 1927 to 2007.

It would be okay if my father is also waiting for me when I pass; standing behind all my pets, my grandmothers, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law.

"My greatest accomplishment in life is that I forgave the unforgivable."

Jessica Lange
1946-
(A Thousand Acres -1997 movie)

"The fellowship of those who bear the Mark of Pain... belong together... united by a secret bond... and they all know the longing to be free from pain."

Albert Schweitzer
1875-1965

I wish you freedom from childhood pain. It takes much persistent work to overcome it all and discover compassion and forgiveness. What will be your legacy? Will you be able to say," I did good. I acted in love and did not harm." For much is expected of a father. To be honored and loved by your children is the greatest triumph of all.

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I saved the following quote from a May edition Educational Magazine early
in my teaching career. it pertained to parents and teachers alike.

Please understand that I am growing up and changing very fast.
It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.

Please reward me for telling the truth. Then I am not frightened into lying.

Please tell me when you make mistakes and what you learned from them.
Then I can accept that I am okay, even when I blunder.

Please pay special attention to me and spend time with me.
Then I can believe that I am important and worthwhile.

Please help me explore my unique interests, talents, and potential.
In order for me to be happy, I need to be me.

Please do the things you want me to do.
Then I have a good, positive model.

Please tell me with your words and actions that you love me.
Then I will feel lovable and will be able to love myself and others.

Helene Rothschild
Counselor Author Speaker

"A mother does a good job when her daughter/son believes in her/his own value, nourishes her/his self-respect, confidence, and safety."

Susan Forward
( in her book Mothers Who Can't Love)

It is another Mother's Day and almost 5 years since my mother has been off this planet. Since I completed writing my book in the summer of 2016, I have continued my healing journey of finding compassion for her. It is tough to understand why my mother was not a good enough parent to me.

I found that I couldn't put myself in her shoes until my own shoes were more comfortable - understanding first my own blistering wounds and pain. I had to find compassion and love for myself by first feeling sorry for and pity for myself and what I had been gypped of. Granting myself permission to mourn the loss of not having a loving mother /daughter relationship helped my healing journey.

I wanted closeness, caring, and comfort but I got coldness, condemnation, , and control. Why?

Society considers it blasphemy to complain about mothers publicly. One is supposed to appreciate all that a mother does for her children and they are to honor her, especially, on Mother's Day. Others will tell you, "She did her best." "You know she loves you though." I know I wasn't loved. My mother told me so to my face and her actions through the years spoke volumes. I recorded all those hurtful actions and words in my book... Mother rejection severely wounded me and I gave up the fantasy of ever being loved by her. No, I didn't! Even the last time I spoke to her I still wished I would hear,"I'm sorry, I do love you." I clung to the hope of an apology I never got.

So, what was her story?
My mother was born in Slovakia in the 1930's to farmers and came to Canada at the age of two with her parents. Over time there were nine children and an adopted cousin. She lived on a farm in northern Manitoba and spoke only Slovak until she started school. Getting to school was a great distance by foot and so she only went to Grade nine. The family was poor and lived a day to day survival existence. She worked hard on the farm picking stones off the land and milking cows from an early age. There were no relatives around.

Her father was gone half the year to bush camps to make badly needed money. Corporal punishment was dealt out and birthdays were not celebrated. She may have experienced sexual abuse by an older brother. It was a strict Catholic family with old country beliefs. My mother was a little chubby as a teenager. There was no money for nice clothes and she wore hand me downs from her sister. In her teens she worked at a sewing factory in Winnipeg where she was sexually harassed. My mother had sex before marriage with a city boyfriend. Her brothers bought the farm after her parents retired. She married at 19 and had me at 20.

She had three living children before the age of 23 ( one was successfully aborted). She probably never had sex again after that and she told me she hated it. My mother also hated her mother-in-law. Her husband, my father, had a horrible temper and yelled a lot besides being super jealous. She was isolated on the farm and had to work alongside my father. There was a big mortgage and the dairy cattle kept them tied down. There was no time for emotion,reflection, or insight and only time for bitterness and anger at a life of hardship.

My mother perpetuated those Catholic and old country beliefs blindly following them in her life, though, she had broken some. Her main beliefs were:

1. Children were not to have a will of their own - break that will by threatening, yelling, beating, instilling the fear of God.
2. Double Standard - boys worth way more than girls who were expected to cater and serve males, do all the housework and also do outdoor farm chores. Rules less for the boy.
3. The eldest should be a boy - if not then as a female, I was to marry a farmer to continue the legacy of the farm.
4. Showing love, affection, and emotion is weakness except she can show anger.
5. Work and no play for anyone.
6. No birth control and no sex before marriage.
7. My life was not to be better or easier than hers.

Two years ago I was not ready yet to think about what positives my mother had given or taught me. Today I can acknowledge some:

1. Food and shelter - physical necessities yes but emotional no
2. Strong work ethic - I had to balance that with some fun
3. Value for education - served me well in my career
4. Value of ownership - my house is my haven
5. Independence- learned to cook from an early age and do for myself
6. Belief in God and Spirit - I followed my own path which she hated
7. Left me some inheritance - I used what I received wisely
8. Who not to be and what not to do - what not to do to my daughter

In order to find forgiveness one must reflect, gather facts, and have compassion for that other person's life and put in perspective the time in which they lived. Did my generation have it easier to change? Probably. I had more opportunities to do different. Unfortunately, she believed I was not to have a life of my choosing and when I did not choose the family legacy I was almost killed and disowned.

"You're going to come crawling back"
"You'll amount to nothing without us"
" You never listen. You're a bad kid"
"You made your bed you lay in it"

She stuck to her story that I was bad for going out into the world. How greatly I wanted to hear,"You did good. I am sorry that happened to you. What can I do to help?" When this never happened, I was able to find surrogate mothers - my grandmas, my first teacher, my landlady, my neighbor, and my mother-in-law. I was lucky, for my career as a teacher reinforced that I would make a caring mom. My students often slipped and called me Mom instead of saying my name. I was loved and doing good.

A mother embraces and comforts and makes you feel that you have at least one safe place to come to. You know you are valued and respected for just being you. Your accomplishments in life are celebrated and cheered and disappointments are soothed. You just know in your heart that Mom treasures and cherishes you just because you are her daughter/son.

Sad to say, this Mom was not one I experienced. I have not met another soul who was mother abused like I was. I think no one tells, probably, because it is sacrilegious to talk about. Not getting comfort and soothing when life threw curve balls was the toughest.

"Stop crying you crybaby"
" You stupid kid"
"You're too sensitive. Stop crying"
"See, I told you so"
"You think your shit doesn't stink"
" You think you're a big shot"
"You never listened to us"

Oh, how these words hurt me for they would run in my head all my life whenever I made either big or little mistakes. I would feel so much shame and guilt. I would look in the mirror and say, "No, I'm a good person. I made a mistake but I will learn from it."

It was when I was 40 years of age that I discovered the book, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, while I was a young mother living in Vancouver. The floodgates opened and I began to heal by crying and letting the pain just wash through me and out. So many books have aided me in my healing journey since then and I am still amazed at how much was really buried for so long. This process has to be undertaken or you will never heal and feel better. My friends would call me strong but I did not feel I was. You know, my mother missed out on knowing a good person and having a mother/daughter relationship. Her loss! Perpetual generational beliefs continued without any questioning, reflection, or compassion for the next generation. I know my daughter can say,"I love you,Mom. You did and do good. Thank-you for being my mother." The generational mother abuse ends with me.

I have always admired Jackie Kennedy Onassis. I believe she was a great mother in all her trials and tribulations.

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
1929 - 1994

The following quote, which I read early in my life, speaks loudly to me and my mothering.

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies, but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
Not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but
Seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward or tarries with yesterday.

Khalil Gibran
1883 - 1931

The world has become a different place since my mother's time, to my time, to my daughter's time. I truly believe there is less prejudice and more acceptance in the world today. Jesus, the wise Master Soul, gave us guidance when he said," So, in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." I wish my religious mother had believed this. My true forgiveness is still somewhat elusive for I know it is not a race but a journey to feeling forgiveness for my mother in my heart. That journey began when I was 40 and I have passed rage and anger and I am pursuing grieving and sadness.

The next leg, I hope, will be genuine compassion and forgiveness before I leave the road and soar Home. I wish you healing in your journey as you feel and think through uncovered hurts. May you also, some day, be able to truly say:

- "Happy Mother's Day" to your mother.

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"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elizabeth Kubler Ross 1926-2004

Do you ever wonder about why you feel the way that you do? Is it easier to just not feel at all?

Pete Walker is the author of the book The Tao of Fully Feeling. He shares his own personal struggles to reclaim his feelings after an abusive childhood. Just like the author, many of us Adult Survivors abused as children have repressed emotions because we were forced to show none on threat of punishment and pain.

"Stop crying you crybaby"
"Keep crying and you'll get it more"
"You're too sensitive"
" Suck it up you sissy"
"Children are seen but not heard"

Entombed still is your childhood shame, guilt, anger, and grief. We learned to fear our feelings due to the fact that our abusive caretakers rained punishment on us for emoting.

"No passion so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."

-Edmund Burke 1729-1797

Your emotions were numbed and dulled and most traumatic incidents were forgotten until a time comes when your mind believes you can handle it. Until then, you expend much energy keeping those feelings buried. You fear what is interred for if those feelings come to the surface there may be a catastrophic tsunami of such intense emotion that you just might not be able to control it.

Avoidance was a survival mechanism used by your childhood self to protect you. Today, you may avoid feeling by using alcohol, drugs, work, busy-ness, exercise, shopping, gambling, hoarding, eating, cleaning, or worrying. There is life to do and responsibilities to take care of so no time to deal with past injustices and wounding. Keep busy; very busy. When any of the above mentioned are excessive, ask yourself what are you avoiding? What hurts?

The biggest wrong from an abusive childhood is not being allowed to grieve.

"Get over it"

You don't learn that to feel pain and grief is a natural human experience and a part of life on this planet. You don't die if you feel. Now, as an Adult Survivor you're so bloated that you are scared of how much really is inside you. Your first instinct is to run away. I was not allowed to cry and grieve when my animals died. "You're such a crybaby. Stop it." On the farm there was much death and dying and animal cruelty. To this day, when those thoughts and connected feelings come up I push them down. I don't feel I am ready yet. They are the hardest memories of all to dig into. With Candy's death in January, I have greatly grieved. How I have cried! My heavy sobbing, being so intense, was for all my animals. I am angry and sad that I could not do this emotional work back then. It is not a sign of weakness to cry. As a child, I was not allowed to cry, yet secretly I tried to quietly so "they" didn't hear. Today, I can release the noise of sobbing.

Seek healthy ways to release hurt emotion; maybe through meaningful music or songs, TV shows, self-help books, or self-writing. Recently, I watched The Steve Wilkos Show which highlighted a mother discussing how her three year old son had welts from a belt and she wanted a family member to take a lie detector test. Tears came up as the program triggered a flashback to my being severely belted at the age of almost twelve. Rage at that injustice and hurt from that painful beating welled up in me. I was able to sit with the old pain and cry as it washed through me. Some was released. Next time I am triggered the pain will be a little less intense. I am amazed at how much anger and pain I still have in me even though I have worked on recovery for a long time- since I was 40. Apparently, most humans don't really visit their hurtful past until about age 30. I was a late bloomer in everything so I didn't start comprehending the legacy of my childhood abuse until I was 40.

When feelings are out of proportion to a present day event then you know the past is awakening and raising its ugly head. We hurt because we were hurt. Tell yourself:

"I am safe today"
"I am in an adult body"
"I can cry and just feel the pain safely"
"I don't have to act on my feelings. I can just feel"

If you can't cry then more rage and anger will rise up in you. It's okay to have these feelings for they are genuine human emotions. Just don't act - for if you turn anger on yourself or others there can be present day serious consequences. Don't dump your pain on others. Find safe healthy ways to dissipate your righteous rage.

Pete Walker uses the visualization of silt - layers and layers of abuse, neglect, shame, and guilt with thicker layers of rage and anger. Tears shift and lift the silt. He advises us to scoop these layers of silt up and self-soothe, be self-compassionate, empathize, grieve, and definitely cry. You could not self-protect or self-emote then but you can today. Be gentle with yourself. Put the blame where it belongs - on your cruel caretakers. You were a totally blameless child. Research shows that if you don't put the blame where it belongs, you become susceptible to more abusers as an adult. This is called Repetition Compulsion - we are compelled to enter back into negative abusive relationships unconsciously. This is the hugest thing in my life to forgive myself for. I barely escaped my abusive parents at 28 only to enter an abusive marriage at 36. My husband was exactly like my parents. I let a toxic person into my life and I needed to understand why and stop the cycle.

What had protected me from inciting abuse as a child - doing beyond what a kid should do, being perfect, appeasing, pleasing, staying quiet, obeying, hiding my emotions, and never voicing my opinions was not what I should do as an adult. Again, I had no rights in my own house. I developed into a compulsive helper and caretaker taking on everyone else's responsibilities and putting myself last. These traits were beneficial to my teaching career but not to personal relationships. I never developed healthy self-esteem or self-protection. I abandoned myself and my good nature was taken advantage of by toxic people. I hurt myself by never saying no as an adult. Besides, I had a harsh inner critic who lived strong and loud in me. The inner critic is your abusers voices. It's the tapes that play in your head.

"You're so stupid"
"You can't do anything right"
"You should have been a boy"
"You're lazy"
"Get off your fat ass and get a job"
"You're hopeless"
"You'll never amount to anything without us"

I became a cripplingly shy and socially inept human being who unconsciously thought I was unlovable. I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. Though I was successful in most areas of my life, loving relationships was not one of them. I sought love from selfish unloving people like my parents and I thought if I was perfect and giving I'd get love. Didn't happen. I had to muzzle the critic and learn to love myself.

As Adult Survivors, there are triggers everywhere and in everything. I was able to cook a full meal starting at the age of nine. If it was not done perfectly or on time I'd be lambasted incessantly. Today, I still experience severe stress and anxiety when I have guests over for supper. "Everything better be perfect or else," my inner critic chirps at me. I stop myself and say, "Shut up and be quiet." Today, I know where those intense feeling of failure come from - the past. Instead I tell myself

"I'm proud of you"
"It doesn't matter if everything isn't perfect"
"It's okay if you make a mistake"
"I love you no matter what"
I won't let the critic beat me up or beat me down anymore.

In our society, if we do show feelings, we often get shamed and we are told to:
"Let it go"
"Move on. It's in the past"
"Get over it"
"It wasn't that bad"

For Adult Survivors of child abuse it was that bad. We were gypped of a childhood birthright - loving caregivers. Life would have been easier and lovelier had they been!

Today, practice mindfulness - be aware of your thoughts and feelings so to make wiser choices in the spirit of loving care first for yourself and then for others. Love yourself more for surviving it all.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."

-Nietzsche 1844-1900

Human emotions are powerful learning tools. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Recovery and healing is not linear and does take your whole lifetime.

"In life there's no end to getting well."

-Cary Grant 1904-1986

Your parents or caregivers lied. You are not bad and you are good enough. Take stock of all your positive qualities and successes. You don't need to be perfect so forgive yourself first before thinking of forgiving anyone else.

Steer your anger and don't let it drive you. Channel it by buying a punching bag and using it, pounding a pillow, pressing heavily as you journal, swear and shout when alone, exercise and work that machine, attend or watch a sporting event and let off steam, or find what works for you.

Consciously act and react differently today than yesterday: educate yourself by reading self help books, journal to let feelings be identified and clarified, reflect back and sit and cry, talk to a trusted someone, get toxic people out of your life or minimize time with them, and always ask questions and seek answers. Grow to love your unique self.

You have the right always to be loved, respected, to be safe, and to be yourself. Give yourself those rights today and "May the power be with you."
Tao = the principle of polarity - opposite but complimentary halves that in between have a continuum of emotional degrees. As a child you experienced more the negative emotional polarity. As an adult, seek healthy positive emotions or feelings - joy, love, kindness, goodness, safety, peace.
Some other quotes that may give you inspiration:

"I have an irrepressible desire to live till I can be assured that the world is a little better for my having lived in it."

-Abraham Lincoln 1809-1865

"We suffer from seeing too much death and not enough life,
Too much sorrow and not enough joy,
Too much greed and not enough giving
Too much loneliness and not enough love."

-Anonymous

"To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering."

-Albert Camus 1913-1960

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt 1884-1962

"Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go.
You are not where you want to be but neither are you where you used to be."

-Rick Warren 1954

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."

-R. Brault 1963

"It is our choices... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

-J.K. Rowling 1965

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

-Helen Keller 1880-1968

Keep keeping on and know you are loved if you love yourself.

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